Your weekly satirical roundup of the crazy world of football, brought to you by Roker Report's very own John Crocker.
It’s been a funny old week in football. Spare a thought for Ivory Coast’s goalkeeper, referee Janny Sikazwe, Rafa Benitez and... Middlesbrough fans.
Lots of people have lots of problems in football this week: including Mike Ashley, Chester City and Wigan Athletic.
No research? No idea? No problem! Come and work for us at BT Sport. Also, we’ve got safe standing and top of the list... clubs playing fast and loose with covid.
And it’s not just VAR in the headlines - FIFA still think they can have the World Cup every other year. Plus, we look ahead to the January transfer window...
That’s right, our esteemed leaders have decided to insert themselves in your football life again. Also, Sam Kerr dishes out stone-cold justice, and Plymouth Argyle play the scorned ex...
This week a football chief exec channels his inner Mao Zedong, Qatar goes on a really bad charm offensive, and Belenenses have a Saturday to forget.
That’s right - this week we feature French crowd issues part XXIX, Jozy Altidore and what’s that... snooker?
Sacking season is in full swing in the top flight, Conte channels his inner PDC and West Ham don’t understand the meaning of "suspended".
...specifically, Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini. Also this week we’re featuring Messrs Warnock, Stelling and Savage. Don’t worry, they fared far better.
This week it’s stupid comments and sexy owners, featuring Ryan Reynolds, Danny Mills aaand Joey Barton!
This week’s roundup of football stories unrelated to Sunderland features misogyny, beer and impending implosion!
It’s Thursday, so it’s time for your weekly Roker Ramble: proof there are things happening in the football world outside of Sunderland AFC!
Footballers, haircuts, and Troy Deeney getting in a box. The Spanish guide to post lockdown football, and its link to Glastonbury. And Hull City... outdone by cardboard cutouts.
Neville should’ve paid more attention to Keira Knightly. Pochettino’s heading north? And Spanish clubs are due to be first back on the pitch... What’s the most mental piece of COVID-19 foot news you’ve seen?
There’s only one sensible solution for football’s dilemma; it doesn’t involve masks, Daniel Sturridge (disowned by his dog) the Arab Spring at Newcastle or the FA’s green credentials shot to hell!
Now that we’ve all this time on our hands - what are football’s governing bodies doing to sort out the host of problems currently impacting the beautiful game?
In today’s Roker Ramble: Ancelotti to Merseyside - really? Arteta to Arsenal - they’ll get what they deserve. The spooky truth behind Fantasy Football, Big Dunc, Jonny Evans and Billy Hughes.
"Personally, I’d like to know what pyjamas Phil Parkinson is currently wearing, and I think this should be the first question at his next press conference."
The egotistical, selfish, arrogant, publicity-seeking, media-baiting, delusional, self-centered, vain, conceited, disdainful, contemptuous, overbearing, disrespectful, swollen-headed, tactless, hypocritical, self-righteous not-so-Special One is back - and we love it.