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ROKER RAMBLE!

Your weekly satirical roundup of the crazy world of football, brought to you by Roker Report's very own John Crocker.

Roker Ramble: The AFCON bursts into life in Cameroon, and Benitez bursts into flames at Everton

It’s been a funny old week in football. Spare a thought for Ivory Coast’s goalkeeper, referee Janny Sikazwe, Rafa Benitez and... Middlesbrough fans.

Roker Ramble: It’s 2022 - and you thought you’d seen the last of big Mike Ashley? Think again!

Lots of people have lots of problems in football this week: including Mike Ashley, Chester City and Wigan Athletic.

Roker Ramble: It’s 2022! And sadly BT Sport have already set a very low bar on football punditry

No research? No idea? No problem! Come and work for us at BT Sport. Also, we’ve got safe standing and top of the list... clubs playing fast and loose with covid.

Roker Ramble: Christmas is nearly here - and VAR has dished out some early unexpected gifts!

And it’s not just VAR in the headlines - FIFA still think they can have the World Cup every other year. Plus, we look ahead to the January transfer window...

Roker Ramble: Roll up! Roll up! For one week only it’s a Conservative “Party” special edition!

That’s right, our esteemed leaders have decided to insert themselves in your football life again. Also, Sam Kerr dishes out stone-cold justice, and Plymouth Argyle play the scorned ex...

Roker Ramble: Why wouldn’t we want a world where football’s elite mark their own homework?

This week a football chief exec channels his inner Mao Zedong, Qatar goes on a really bad charm offensive, and Belenenses have a Saturday to forget.

Roker Ramble: Your weekly mailbag of interesting bits and bobs from the world of sport

That’s right - this week we feature French crowd issues part XXIX, Jozy Altidore and what’s that... snooker?

Roker Ramble: Premier League clubs decide it’s time to start pressing the big red panic button

Sacking season is in full swing in the top flight, Conte channels his inner PDC and West Ham don’t understand the meaning of "suspended".

Roker Ramble: A reminder that if you think Sunderland had a bad week, others had it worse

...specifically, Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini. Also this week we’re featuring Messrs Warnock, Stelling and Savage. Don’t worry, they fared far better.

Roker Ramble: Wait... other things happened apart from Sunderland’s glorious triumph this week?

This week it’s stupid comments and sexy owners, featuring Ryan Reynolds, Danny Mills aaand Joey Barton!

Roker Ramble: It’s all going wrong up the road, and David Speedie is all about Women’s lib... not

This week’s roundup of football stories unrelated to Sunderland features misogyny, beer and impending implosion!

Roker Ramble: The EFL are going green... and is this the end of football data as we know it?

It’s Thursday, so it’s time for your weekly Roker Ramble: proof there are things happening in the football world outside of Sunderland AFC!

Roker Ramble: Los doo-doos masivo....

Barcelona in the mire - Big Ron steps into the breach, Pep crashes out, Kevin Keegan and.... potatoes. You can’t make this stuff up.

Roker Ramble: FA Cup, FFP, Bielsa & Brentford!

In a stunning turnaround David Luiz looks like a footballer, Pep’s getting picked on, the Bielsa fiesta is Premier League bound, and Brentford just miss out on their calculations.

Roker Ramble: Too much of a good thing?

Too much football on TV, the new reality for Fantasy Football, commentating - where’s the signage for the deaf? Liverpool’s throw-in coach, and more... it’s The Roker Ramble.

Roker Ramble: “It’s what you know, you know...”

So, footy is back and things are certainly different, but has anything really changed?

Roker Ramble: The Final Countdown

"Football has always been crazy for lots of reasons and it’s about to get a whole lot crazier. Enjoy what you can, just don’t expect any of it to make sense" writes Roker Report’s John Crocker.

Roker Ramble: The Money Game

It may come as a shock, but there’s one rule for the ‘haves’ and another for the ‘have-nots’. And when you’re down at the bottom - "It’s a dog-eat-dog world and I’m wearing Bonio underwear". Norm Peterson - cheers.

Roker Ramble: More mental goings on in the pandemic footballing world!

Footballers, haircuts, and Troy Deeney getting in a box. The Spanish guide to post lockdown football, and its link to Glastonbury. And Hull City... outdone by cardboard cutouts.

Roker Ramble: Crisis? What crisis?

It feels like a free-for-all as English leagues try and decide how to finalise the 2019/20 season. Meanwhile footy has resumed in Germany, and is VR the answer to filling stadiums?

Roker Ramble: Is football finally eating itself?

The powers that be will seemingly go to any lengths to get this season finished - no matter what it does to the game itself.

Roker Ramble: Football’s lost its mind thanks to COVID-19!

Neville should’ve paid more attention to Keira Knightly. Pochettino’s heading north? And Spanish clubs are due to be first back on the pitch... What’s the most mental piece of COVID-19 foot news you’ve seen?

Roker Ramble: These are weird times, but why have the FA started shooting geese!?

There’s only one sensible solution for football’s dilemma; it doesn’t involve masks, Daniel Sturridge (disowned by his dog) the Arab Spring at Newcastle or the FA’s green credentials shot to hell!

Roker Ramble: Don’t just sit there governing bodies of football - do something!

Now that we’ve all this time on our hands - what are football’s governing bodies doing to sort out the host of problems currently impacting the beautiful game?

Sex Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Kyle Walker

One rule for them, one rule for us - social distancing football-style, furlough etiquette and the big one - and have we seen the last of Ronaldo as we knew him?

Roker Ramble: Unfinished Business

Football is distracting us all from one of the really big issues of the whole coronavirus pandemic that just hasn’t had the publicity it warrants - hair.

Roker Ramble: The Impossible Dream

Carlo off to a good start - but would he make the best musical? Wickham and Elmo still at the top and earning; and taking a penalty crab-style. It’s the Roker Ramble.

A Very Christmassy Roker Ramble: People from the future walk amongst us

In today’s Roker Ramble: Ancelotti to Merseyside - really? Arteta to Arsenal - they’ll get what they deserve. The spooky truth behind Fantasy Football, Big Dunc, Jonny Evans and Billy Hughes.

Roker Ramble: Luck of the draw

Fashion, taste, integrity, simplicity, transparency, interest and entertainment. The Euro draw had none of it - but what did you expect? That said, there is a new cub-scout badge...

Roker Ramble: What pyjamas is Sunderland boss Phil Parkinson currently wearing?

"Personally, I’d like to know what pyjamas Phil Parkinson is currently wearing, and I think this should be the first question at his next press conference."

Guess who’s back...

The egotistical, selfish, arrogant, publicity-seeking, media-baiting, delusional, self-centered, vain, conceited, disdainful, contemptuous, overbearing, disrespectful, swollen-headed, tactless, hypocritical, self-righteous not-so-Special One is back - and we love it.

Clubs in trouble should appoint Roy Keane

Sometimes, only one man will do... Wengerballs... Swiss Tony heading for the out-door... the real problem at Southampton... and Little Neville - needlessy soggy... IT’S THE ROKER RAMBLE!

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