clock menu more-arrow no yes

ROKER RAMBLE!

Your weekly satirical roundup of the crazy world of football, brought to you by Roker Report's very own John Crocker.

Roker Ramble: Los doo-doos masivo....

Barcelona in the mire - Big Ron steps into the breach, Pep crashes out, Kevin Keegan and.... potatoes. You can’t make this stuff up.

Roker Ramble: FA Cup, FFP, Bielsa & Brentford!

In a stunning turnaround David Luiz looks like a footballer, Pep’s getting picked on, the Bielsa fiesta is Premier League bound, and Brentford just miss out on their calculations.

Roker Ramble: Too much of a good thing?

Too much football on TV, the new reality for Fantasy Football, commentating - where’s the signage for the deaf? Liverpool’s throw-in coach, and more... it’s The Roker Ramble.

Roker Ramble: “It’s what you know, you know...”

So, footy is back and things are certainly different, but has anything really changed?

Roker Ramble: The Final Countdown

"Football has always been crazy for lots of reasons and it’s about to get a whole lot crazier. Enjoy what you can, just don’t expect any of it to make sense" writes Roker Report’s John Crocker.

Roker Ramble: The Money Game

It may come as a shock, but there’s one rule for the ‘haves’ and another for the ‘have-nots’. And when you’re down at the bottom - "It’s a dog-eat-dog world and I’m wearing Bonio underwear". Norm Peterson - cheers.

Roker Ramble: More mental goings on in the pandemic footballing world!

Footballers, haircuts, and Troy Deeney getting in a box. The Spanish guide to post lockdown football, and its link to Glastonbury. And Hull City... outdone by cardboard cutouts.

Roker Ramble: Crisis? What crisis?

It feels like a free-for-all as English leagues try and decide how to finalise the 2019/20 season. Meanwhile footy has resumed in Germany, and is VR the answer to filling stadiums?

Roker Ramble: Is football finally eating itself?

The powers that be will seemingly go to any lengths to get this season finished - no matter what it does to the game itself.

Roker Ramble: Football’s lost its mind thanks to COVID-19!

Neville should’ve paid more attention to Keira Knightly. Pochettino’s heading north? And Spanish clubs are due to be first back on the pitch... What’s the most mental piece of COVID-19 foot news you’ve seen?

Roker Ramble: These are weird times, but why have the FA started shooting geese!?

There’s only one sensible solution for football’s dilemma; it doesn’t involve masks, Daniel Sturridge (disowned by his dog) the Arab Spring at Newcastle or the FA’s green credentials shot to hell!

Roker Ramble: Don’t just sit there governing bodies of football - do something!

Now that we’ve all this time on our hands - what are football’s governing bodies doing to sort out the host of problems currently impacting the beautiful game?

Sex Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Kyle Walker

One rule for them, one rule for us - social distancing football-style, furlough etiquette and the big one - and have we seen the last of Ronaldo as we knew him?

Roker Ramble: Unfinished Business

Football is distracting us all from one of the really big issues of the whole coronavirus pandemic that just hasn’t had the publicity it warrants - hair.

Roker Ramble: The Impossible Dream

Carlo off to a good start - but would he make the best musical? Wickham and Elmo still at the top and earning; and taking a penalty crab-style. It’s the Roker Ramble.

A Very Christmassy Roker Ramble: People from the future walk amongst us

In today’s Roker Ramble: Ancelotti to Merseyside - really? Arteta to Arsenal - they’ll get what they deserve. The spooky truth behind Fantasy Football, Big Dunc, Jonny Evans and Billy Hughes.

Roker Ramble: Luck of the draw

Fashion, taste, integrity, simplicity, transparency, interest and entertainment. The Euro draw had none of it - but what did you expect? That said, there is a new cub-scout badge...

Roker Ramble: What pyjamas is Sunderland boss Phil Parkinson currently wearing?

"Personally, I’d like to know what pyjamas Phil Parkinson is currently wearing, and I think this should be the first question at his next press conference."

Guess who’s back...

The egotistical, selfish, arrogant, publicity-seeking, media-baiting, delusional, self-centered, vain, conceited, disdainful, contemptuous, overbearing, disrespectful, swollen-headed, tactless, hypocritical, self-righteous not-so-Special One is back - and we love it.

Clubs in trouble should appoint Roy Keane

Sometimes, only one man will do... Wengerballs... Swiss Tony heading for the out-door... the real problem at Southampton... and Little Neville - needlessy soggy... IT’S THE ROKER RAMBLE!

Roker Ramble: David Moyes to Bulgaria? That’ll teach ‘em...

David Moyes to Bulgaria - that’ll teach them; Blue Peter badges making the difference; Marco Silva - only half the man he was, and Lucci - the story continues... It’s the Roker Ramble.

Roker Ramble: It doesn’t look like Jose Mourinho is on his way to Sunderland, then...

In this week’s Roker Ramble we’re discussing the weird and wacky from this past week in the world of football, including: why footballers kiss their wrists; why Jose Mourinho can *probably* be ruled out as the next Sunderland manager, and loads more...

Roker Ramble: I don’t even know who the chairmen of Burnley and Bournemouth are!

Mauricio Pochettino mans up, Steve Bruce stands up, Massimiliano Allegri flags up, Zinedine Zidane screws up and Brendan Rodgers measures up - it’s the Roker Ramble.

Roker Ramble: What’s going on with handball laws? And why are babies on Premier League pitches?

It’s called football for a reason - so keep your hands to yourself. Why you should never create an unnatural silhouette, and that includes holding a baby. It’s the Roker Ramble!

The Roker Ramble: What the Farke is going on at Norwich?

Pukki Blinders, opulent dug-out displays, child exploitation, battle of the beards, Unai Emery - a man alone, and managers outtakes... it’s this week’s Roker Ramble.

Roker Ramble: ‘High press’ is the flavour of the month in football, but is it killing defending?

Tammy Abraham rocks and David Luiz sucks but do the teams chasing the Premier League leaders have the right style to succeed? It’s the Roker Ramble.

Roker Ramble: What the EFL need to do to ensure no other club suffers the same fate as Bury

Football (and the EFL in particular) needs to tighten up right across the board to save another situation occurring like the one we’ve seen unfurl at poor old Bury - and here’s what John Crocker thinks they should do about it.

Roker Ramble: VAR is here to stay & people need to get over it - it’s not spoiling anyone’s fun!

"How a goalkeeper can let in six goals in a game, make one save and come out the hero... and VAR - can we all just shut the f*** up now, please?"

Roker Ramble: English transfer window goes full Brexit; will FIFA respond to climate change?!

The BBC goes all tech with MOTD, Gary Lineker - can he make the step up? The new managers face their first challenge... but will FIFA respond to climate change warnings? And sorting out the transfer windows... not. It’s the Roker Ramble!

Roker Ramble: Big Sam dancing for the 1st time since he left Sunderland? See you on strictly...

I’m so far behind in the game that I could be trendy soon, what the best players are wearing this season, and Big Sam could be back in the spotlight - dancing for the first time since he left Sunderland. It’s the Roker Ramble...

Roker Ramble: Deal or No Deal?

The China Syndrome continues, the Arsenal defence discovers some bottle, Jose’s back in the frame and Tony Adams just keeps popping back up... it’s this week’s Roker Ramble, ladies and gents.

Roker Ramble: The great Chinese takeaway - time for Gareth Bale & Newcastle to head far east?

What to do if no-one loves you, if no-one wants you, and if the place you love is beset by strife and torment. Fear not, it’s the Ramble - we have the answers…