Roker Ramble: Colin W*nker is back!

Colin returns!

Neil Warnock stands looking pensive, leaning on a radiator in the showers of the changing room at Gay Meadow, the former home of Shrewsbury Town. He looks less like he’s standing in a football ground and more so a Soviet-era prison waiting for some big boys to come and join him. Worry is etched all over his face. As he walks back into the main area of the dressing room, his team 2-0 down, he removes his jumper.

You can smell the mud, sweat and dirty wet clothes through the screen. You can sense what’s coming...

Any injuries? How can there be? What a silly question eh... look at me when I’m talking eh... The second goal... the f*cking first goal! You and Chris Billy, soft as shit. You letting him back in all f*cking day you, and nowt happening.

He points to a young lad just off camera...

You’re in f*cking Latvia.

A strange turn of phrase perhaps, almost as strange as the moment a minute or so later where he collectively calls his team “me ducks.” It’s probably true to say the unidentified player on the receiving end of his ire probably did wish he was on a lads bender in Riga at that point.

What followed was a bollocking of considerable intensity, so much so that the camera lens steamed up incredibly quickly. You can view it in its entirety here.

That was the class of ‘95. No doubt this is what Warnock would describe as his “angry years.” He delivered the half time message in the style of a man who was late for work, went to put his feet in his shoes only to discover the cat had done its business in them.

Photo by Tony Marshall/EMPICS via Getty Images

And now, he can do it all over again, with the man affectionately known by Sheffield Wednesday as Colin W*nker and the rest of us as Mrs Doubtfire making the decision to come out of retirement at the age of 74 to take charge at Huddersfield. God only knows what he would have said to his current charges at half time in the Potteries during midweek.

Mind you, his comments in his first press conference will have gone down about as well as singing the Thunderbirds theme tune at Eddie Howe. ”There were a few leaders at Rotherham, whereas there’s not so many leaders here” Warnock said, which is a funny way to get his players onside. The proof will be in the pudding I suppose, though he’s already admitted he’s missing a few ingredients.

The strange thing is I’ve rarely seen a man enjoying retirement so much. Whether he’s cycling through the Yorkshire Dales, having a ball of a time at a petting zoo, or sitting in a jazz club in New York, this man really is living the good life.

He’s got a hell of a job on his hands, particularly as other clubs (specifically Wigan) are starting to show a modicum of life. Huddersfield haven’t played the Shrews in the league since that defeat 28 years ago, but it will take something pretty special to prevent the two from meeting again next season.

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Harry wants to return!

Never one to be left out of an old boys reunion, rumours were abound this week that Harry Redknapp was interested in taking the Leeds United job.

Goodness me, I haven’t felt this sort of nostalgia since I saw Shane Long, Andy Carroll, Baba Rahman, Tom Ince and Scott Dann in Reading’s lineup last weekend.

Can you imagine that? For someone who had made more of an imprint on the nation’s psyche by having cockroaches crawl in his crevices rather than actually managing a football team, it would seem a bold move.

Considering the cost of making the wrong appointment here could run into tens of millions of pounds or potentially more, the sage advice for Leeds would be to look elsewhere.

Photo credit should read OLLY GREENWOOD/AFP via Getty Images

Since leaving Birmingham, Redknapp has won I’m a Celebrity, starred in ITV’s Harry Redknapp’s Sandbanks Summer, made numerous guest appearances on the One Show and Loose Women to name a few, and in 2020 was tricked into accepting thousands of pounds from a fake charity in a Channel 4 sting.

Not one of these activities suggests he would have any desire to explain the virtues of 4-4-2 to a bemused set of footballers once more.

Personally, I would love to see him return, just for a laugh. Redknapp had a good, if largely unremarkable career as a football manager, and his subsequent fame off the back of it feels slightly out of kilter with his achievements. Like Jermaine Jenas presenting the aforementioned One Show. Whoever your agent is Jermaine, pay them double.

Both Warnock and Redknapp in retirement have presented much softer, personable sides to them. And while I say great, I just want to see more of this. And this.

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Everton to take drastic measures to cure DCL

Does everyone remember that brainless decision by clown car club-in-chief Everton to recall Ellis Simms? Despite his chances of getting game time being severely limited, his development stunted and of course leaving us without an important player? It was not the greatest show of care for a player who needs to be playing football right now.

Well, they obviously knew something we didn’t, as it transpires that star striker Dominic Calvert Lewin isn’t just made of baccy papers, he could injure himself putting a hat on. Add that to the fact they failed to sign a striker in the transfer window (again), Simms has actually been playing a bit - but guess what? He isn’t ready for Premier League football yet. I think we all know where he’d rather be plying his trade.

New gaffer Sean Dyche, who seems to be the type of man that might take a dim view of such ridiculous sick note excuses by DCL, has promised to get to the bottom of what is causing his injury woes - and this will include looking at his car, his mattress and his sleep patterns.

Photo by Tony McArdle/Everton FC via Getty Images

We’re speaking to him, the medics, the sports scientists, looking at the stats, training programmes, distance covered, high-speed running, how many kms in a week, what’s his diet like, what’s his lifestyle like, what car does he drive, what mattress does he use, how many hours does he sleep a night?

There’s little doubt the failure by Everton to sign a striker in the window could cost them their Premier League status.

What are the odds Sunderland pass them on their way up?