The Roker Ramble: David Moyes fancies himself as a bit of a comedian, does he?

Moyes admits West Ham are shooting for the stars

Hello, old friend.

Actually, Moyes is not an old friend. He’s more like a former pal you let stay at your house cos he got kicked out by his Mrs. Problem being one day he went out, left the front door unlocked, someone came in, nicked the television and left Darron Gibson on the sofa.

Sadly, since Moyesy left us squarely in the proverbial a few years back, his career has somewhat improved; we on the other hand continue to get the brown stuff out from underneath our fingernails with a toothpick that has begun to splinter.

In fact, such is the rise in his stature, it turns out West Ham are bidding for anyone and everyone in a bid to continue their quest to climb up the Premier League table.

No wait... don’t tell me. Joleon Lescott?

Let’s pause it there for a second. There is something that really sticks in the throat when you hear him talking in those terms. Of the ten permanent Moyes signings for Sunderland, three were sacked, six were released and one (Paddy McNair) was sold for actual cash.

So I suppose if you’d said “Ndong, Djilobodji, Gibson, Mika, Love” at the time maybe we would have burst out laughing too.

David, there was nothing funny about your transfer business at Sunderland. It was the kind of business a dog deposits on the pavement.

Photo by Ian Horrocks/Sunderland AFC via Getty Images

Years ago, in my very early days as a journalist I attended a press conference with Moyes while he was Everton manager. After the questions were over, he took a (very) profane exception to the line of questioning from some poor bugger from Match magazine, as he had dared to ask something about their previous game (which they lost, against Manchester City). It was the press officer who copped for it - I just hope that the journalist in question wasn’t caught by an irate Davey who was clearly feeling the pressure.

However, if you didn’t like that question David, you certainly won’t like this one: what the f*ck were you thinking bringing in that shower of shite for us all those years ago?

West Ham’s owners, the dildo brothers Sullivan and Gold, should be warned that giving him control of the chequebook is a very, very bad idea. Mind you, three defeats from three, and seven in the last 10 mean that his days east London might be numbered.

I was laughed out of the room for suggesting at 33/1 he would be a good bet at being the first manager to go but I remain convinced it’s good value.

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Domestic leagues in Europe starts to get really, really boring

Specifically in Germany and France.

1-7, 5-2, 5-0, 0-7, 1-6.

Not the scorecards in a diving competition (I don’t know if that’s actually accurate and don’t tell Tom Daley, I don’t care) but in actual fact some of the results for PSG and Bayern Munich this season... which is only three games old.

Photo by Rit Heize/Xinhua via Getty Images

Meanwhile in the Netherlands, Ajax have already racked up a 6-1 shellacking of Groningen, and surely it’s only a matter of time before the bookies pay out on their latest title triumph.

The lack of serious competition can’t be a good thing for anyone, can it? At least here in England we have Liverpool furiously prizing open an already mammoth looking gap between themselves and Manchester City - but no fear, Arteta’s Arsenal are there to fill the gap.

In France, they have reduced themselves to playground antics, with Kylian Mbappe stopping his run because he didn’t receive a pass. Mind you, this week he somewhat made up for it by scoring after seven seconds.

Nailbiting stuff.

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Benin are squirrels no more

You know I don’t think enough credence is given to some of the superb names floating around the more obscure footballing nations of this world.

There are some belters out there: you’ve got Kenwyne Jones’ former club Joe Public FC, Anti Drugs Strikers, who ply their trade in the Sierra Leonean Premier League; and Deportivo Wanka, who are currently 12 miles up the road from us and run on blood money (only joking, they play in Peru really).

Actually, I can’t just stick with three. How about Eleven Men in Flight FC of Eswatini? Or Crab Connection of Trinidad and Tobago? Gilport Lions were previously known as Botswana Meat Commission, giving rise to a plethora of headlines about their matches being high stakes. Geddit?

Then there are the nicknames. The Flying Donkeys of Chievo, Cowdenbeath’s Blue Brazil or Ajax’s De Godenzonen - literally the sons of Gods.

I really could be here all afternoon but I only came to tell you that Benin have decided to ditch their nickname The Squirrels, and henceforth the nation which spawned Stephane Sessegnon will be known as the Cheetahs. I assume that is after the animal rather than their propensity to eschew the rules of fair play.

Photo by Visionhaus

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News in Brief

Someone who is known for being a really well-rounded human being - superb footballer, lover of coffee and worldwide meme sensation who learned it all in Sunderland, Jill Scott has announced her retirement from football. Apparently, she’s going to spend more time getting high on caffeine and telling Germans to “f*ck off you f*cking prick.”

Photo by Joe Giddens/PA Images via Getty Images

Howard Webb has been appointed as PGMOL’s chief refereeing officer. Remember him? Well turns out that Howard’s been over in North America for the last six years working for the MLS. Well, now he’s come back to ruin Jurgen Klopp’s weekends again.

Stoke have sacked Michael O’Neill after the Northern Ireland legend got well and truly Loch Ness Drogba’d this weekend. You’re welcome, Stokies.