Roker Ramble: The silly season of nonsense news stories has finally arrived in Sunderland!

Guess who’s back... back again

My daughter’s favourite book at the moment is Tiddler. the story of a tiny fish in the ocean - as the story goes, he blew small bubbles but he told tall tales.

Well, here’s an absolute crock of shit from the Mail about our club this week which could probably sink an Astute-class submarine.

Of course, we should have known. There are three things you can count on in life: death, taxes, and a bogus takeover story on the eve of our biggest game of the season.

But - plot twist - the story once again involves the Richmond Rasputin himself, William Storey.

He’s not simply the turd that won’t flush. Moreso you could crack a champagne bottle off the side of our friend, and sail him to America carrying 3,000 people seeking a better life.

I’d planned on doing this at the back end of last week, but, frankly, f*ck that. You ain’t getting no publicity from these pages - focus was on one thing only. I still don’t really want to write anything, hence why there is no picture of him on the main page. Only of our lovely fans going bananas.

I’ll keep it short. Storey is allegedly involved with a consortium to buy out our current owners, who are, according to the Mail SPLIT on the decision. Shock!

Sadly for him and his pals, the hogwash published made about as much of a splash as dropping a stone down a dry well.

To top it all off, he was pictured in the Roker End in the first leg of the playoff semi, in an attempt to remain relevant. Now I imagine I speak for most Sunderland fans when I say whoever bought him that ticket should have their membership number frozen, be stripped of their Black Cat points, and made to watch every second of the 2005/2006 season, twice.

Cos let’s face it, if he was for real, he’d be there at the invitation of the owners, wouldn’t he.

Photo by Charles Coates/Getty Images

Clearly this story has as much truth to it as the rumour Charlie Methven is the promoter of a charity boxing match between Wee Phillie and Shaun Middleton (hi fellas). Nevertheless, it’s unhelpful. So if you’re in any doubt about whether we should give this guy a chance remember, this is:

William Storey - the man whose company, Lightning Volt Ltd, have had a claim of £60m made against them by creditors.

William Storey - the man who will be subject of this forthcoming book.

William Storey - the man bearing the distinct likeness of which, you can find here.

Listen, buddy, you may be a massive lads fan, but please don’t. The only way you can ever be accepted is if you are pictured outside Wembley before the Wycombe match with a flare pluming directly from your arse. Nothing more, nothing less.

Do you accept?

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Mass walkout at SFWA awards

You would have thought that people would have got the message now: any sort of discrimination doesn’t really fly these days. Racism, sexism, homophobia.

You’ll probably get pulled up for it - and that’s exactly what happened this week at the Scottish Football Writers Association Awards.

Essentially, what happened was ex-criminal barrister-turned-after-dinner-speaker Bill Copeland made some pretty poor taste comments about women, Japanese footballers, and for good measure used a homophobic slur in a turn which he probably thought was funny. Except of course that many people didn’t and it led to a large number walking out.

It might fly in the chambers pal, but it probably doesn’t in a room where you’ll be directly offending the people you’re talking about.

Copeland, unsurprisingly, has been dropped as an after-dinner speaker by his agency.

My big question though is why does anyone care what Bill Copeland has to say? He was just a barrister - it’s not like he won the blinking Golden Boot back in ‘79 was it. Instead, it’s yarns about the time he got a fella off for shoving a live rabbit up his arse.

Mind you, it’s probably a bit rich coming from me writing this page, isn’t it?

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News In Brief

More detail on John Yems has emerged, a couple of weeks after he was suspended by Crawley. Allegedly Yems operated a segregation system during training, making black players train away from the white ones. News of which was quickly followed by Yems leaving the club. No thanks were given for his service.

Down in Middlesbrough, they’re getting a bit sick of pitch invaders at the Riverside. So much so, in fact, that they’ve said the parents of any kids who are caught running onto the pitch will receive a life ban. I suppose it’s a good way to encourage your child to support Sunderland.

Chris Kamara is on his way out of Soccer Saturday. Which is a shame for Jeff Stelling, who is now the sole beacon of light in a studio populated by gilets of various colours, Clinton Morrison, a Clinton Morrison lookalike, and a hologram of Clinton Morrison. I refuse to believe there is just one of him doing the rounds on football analysis because that man is everywhere.

Photo by Rachel Holborn - BRFC/Getty Images

I have received some sage advice from friends this last week that I’m perhaps being too harsh on Newcastle. The accusation is I never bring the heart warming tales of benevolence that their blessed owners bring to our burgeoning region; that’s right we live in an area that really is benefitting from all that Saudi investment so earnestly promised.

Anyhow, more than 20,000 turned up for a fourth tier women’s match at St James’ Park last week. Which is really quite impressive - so congratulations, Newcastle United. And it’s good news for the women’s game too. (it’s not sportswashing, before you say... damn almost made it).

Oh, and finally that knobhead got fined for wazzing on the Stokoe Statue.

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