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Roker Ramble: This week in football, an embarrasing Mag, & Jake Humphrey defends the indefensible!

Two people who should know better this week. One’s a seasoned TV pro, the other is a Mag who really should support his local team, from Northumberland

Newcastle fan does stupid thing. Tries to explain. Makes himself look even more stupid.

I’m laughing before I’ve even started writing this.

Newcastle United support - the collective gift that just give give gives, while we take take take the piss - and we’re the ones in f*cking League One!

So who’s bollocked it up this week then? ’ll tell you who - it’s Northumberland’s finest Dave Dixon. Really should have just kept on going to them games at Craik Park in Morpeth, mate. Not drawing attention to yourself in sunny east Anglia.

As we all know, it’s a club that is famous for being a cabal of loud boorish oafs who you’d cross the street to avoid as they’re on their way - tanked up on Newcy Broon, or sphincter kryptonite - to the match.

It’s got me wondering, what is the collective term for a group of Newcastle supporters? A parliament of owls, a murder of crows, a twat of Toon fans?

Norwich City v Newcastle United - Premier League
A twat of Toon fans in the wild
Photo by Mark Leech/Offside/Offside via Getty Images

You see silly old Dave was pictured waving what appeared to be £50 notes at the Norwich fans; it was, without doubt, the worst display of loadsamoney since Charlie Methven paid for his fish and chips down Minchella’s with a Rolex.

Now even the densest of people would be able to make the connection there - it was a reference by Dave to their newfound wealth.

Not so according to the big man, who was a bit miffed by getting pelters from all angles on social media. Apparently, it’s not the done thing to wave £50 notes around with gay abandon, so folk didn’t like it. There’s a cost of living crisis on Dave, haven’t you heard? And... checks notes... you’re owned by a bunch of murdering bastards?

He explained, ”I was responding to chants from the Norwich fans who were singing ‘we pay all your benefits, we pay all your benefits’. I wanted to show them we’re doing alright, thank you.”

I’m willing to bet you’ve put that far more politely to the Chronicle than you did in reality, Dave.

Oh, that’s right, Dave felt compelled to contact the local paper to give his version of events. Well bugger me, consider the record to be well and truly have been put straight.

It does beg the question why would you cut about with a whole load of £50s in your back pocket? It’s a bit like why would you have a burner phone, aka “the affair line”? - or something else. Better explain that one Dave - good news though! he can: ”my business is doing alright and on the Friday a customer paid a £450 bill in cash with £50 notes, which I put in my wallet. For the Norwich game, as a bit of a treat, I had hired a private plane to take me and some mates there.”

Fuckinell Dave, my idea of a bit of a treat is to buy a packet of Munchies for my Megabus journey, not hire a sodding plane down to Norwich for a meaningless away game.

Anyway, as I say, Dave’s getting all sorts of stick from all sorts of people. Personally, I think he’s probably a very nice fella who is now regretting his actions.

Next time Dave, get the bus, eh?


Jake Humphrey defends murderous regime and it ends badly

Now then, we had hoped to bring you news of Mino Raiola’s incredible resurrection. But it turns out that on Saturday it really was for good this time.

So where else to turn our attention? Qucik: find a story. Ah, let’s stay on our friends up the road.

Jake Humphrey. The man who, as someone very amusingly said on Twitter once, claps when the plane lands (I’ll not take credit for that but well done to the person who came up with that).

Now before Newcastle fans cry foul and say “oh we’ve featured twice this week” you should know that a) you deserve to feature every week multiple times and b) your owners... you know what I can’t even be bothered to finish that sentence.

Anyway this weekend, Jake, or wor Jakey as Newcastle fans affectionately know him (he’s got pictures of Brian Kilcline on his bedroom wall don’t you know) seemingly defended the Toon army owners by saying on BT Sport that “as ever” there are “people on the sidelines” who are “ready to snipe and have a bit of a pop” about the club.

Everton v Manchester United - Premier League
I wonder if Jonjo Shelvey will give me his shirt...
Photo by Robbie Jay Barratt - AMA/Getty Images

Well yes Jake, they will when you’re owned by a bunch of murdering... oh wait I’ve already said that above.

Humpo clarified following his ill-advised remarks that “I appreciate how this clip looks. Let me be absolutely clear though, Eddie Howe had left us moments before this, we were talking about him, and my praise, my use of ‘they’ was aimed squarely and only at him and his staff.”

“Off the pitch the ownership situation here will always quite rightly lead to questions, and certainly any praise from me for this football club is aimed at Eddie, his players and the fans.”

And just like a Tory MP trying to defend his jaunt onto Pornhub during a bill reading by saying he was searching for tractors, Jake looks a bit like he’s talking utter bollocks.


News In Brief

• Barcelona have announced they are to move out of Camp Nou for the 2023/24 season, as they upgrade the stadium. Instead, they’ll relocate to the former Olympic stadium in Montjuic.

• Sir Jim Ratcliffe has bid almost £4bn for Chelsea - in a late attempt to gazump preferred bidders Boehly, whoever they are.

• Channel 4 have won the rights to show England internationals live until 2024. What capital news - just as long as Jimmy-pay-yer-taxes-Carr isn’t anywhere near a TV studio during that time.

• West Ham fans (or certain sections of) demonstrated their gracious nature in their loss to Frankfurt... by assaulting German media, including allegations of punches being thrown at reporters, and headphones being ripped off.

• After last week’s feature on Luke Edwards, here is a funny reminder that he’s just a bit, well, you know, not that good.

• Finally, a personal apology, albeit buried deep within a Ramble. Earlier this season - after our home win over Wigan, actually, I called Max Power and Charlie Wyke League One jobbers. Well, those jobbers have now just won the league and we’re here to scrap it out in the playoffs. Sorry, lads. I was wrong, congratulations. Good luck next season!

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