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Matt Le Tissier England Football 1994

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Roker Ramble: At least there are no conspiracy theorists in Sunderland...

This week we have some bad news for Crawley Town, Bayern Munich misunderstand the substitute rule and Matt Le Tissier chooses a strange hill to die on...

Photo by David Davies/Mark Leech Sports Photography/Getty Images

Le Tiss Loses Le Plot

As the old saying goes, I’m done being an expert on vaccines. I am now an expert on the conflict in Ukraine.

Not content with being booted from Sky Sports News for being a crackpot dumbass, Matt “I’ve got posters of David Icke on my bedroom wall” Le Tissier has gone full-on tonto and decided that he knows the truth about what is happening in Ukraine.

Le Tissier’s pretty inadvisable retweet of a post that seemed to question the veracity of the killings in Bucha has caused a bit of a furore (SPOILER ALERT: IT’S THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA WOT DUNNIT). And our survey says: Whopper.

He’s like the human version of a lagotto romagnolo truffle dog. Except Matt’s expertise is sniffing out bullshit. At least he likes to think it is.

But the real truth of the matter is he’s got this one badly wrong. Almost as wrong as the time he decided to bet on his ability to kick the ball out of play in the first minute of a match as part of a spread betting scam - but was so nervous he couldn’t go through with it. Bad call, Matt, bad call.

Mind you he did cash in on it in the end by selling the story - to himself - by sticking it in his autobiography.

Soccer - Carling Premiership - Manager and Player Of The Month awards
Shit... how do I delete a Tweet?
Photo by Steve Mitchell/EMPICS via Getty Images

Is this what happens when footballers retire? They’ve got literally nothing to do all day except indulge themselves in their thoughts, so cook up this kind of nonsense? Because while you’re there on your laptop in Southampton or wherever, no doubt sitting in your pants eating wotsits, you know what’s really going on, don’t you Matt?

He should channel his inner Rob Earnshaw who is becoming somewhat of a philosopher on Twitter, with such pearlers as “daylight savings time should begin at 4pm on a Monday instead of 2am. this way, instead of losing an hour of sleep, we get to leave work early.” Now that’s the sort of stuff I can get behind.

This is the Matt Le Tissier who questioned why so many footballers are collapsing on the pitch nowadays - linking it to covid; one high-profile example being the (unvaccinated) Charlie Wyke. However, why let the truth get in the way of your narrative, you massive balloon; the truth is heart-related issues in footballers have been increasing for a few years now, and it pre-dates the pandemic. But don’t let facts twist your judgement.

Blaming the media for manipulating Ukraine, faking covid, or whatever is a pretty hilarious 2D way of looking at life - the bastion of the thick who actually believe this sort of stuff goes on because they are incapable of anything except receiving anger from people pulling their strings - and Le Tissier is a card-carrying member of this desperate club.

Of course, this is the same man who has made his living from the media for the majority of his time since retiring almost 20 years ago.

Sadly for him, stupidity has consequences, and Southampton announced he would no longer represent the club as an ambassador. Except if it’s to their Russian branch.


Crawley get new owners - alarm bells sound

It takes a lot for a dodgy-sounding football takeover to punch through the consciousness of most football fans these days, given they’re everywhere - but this one does make you sit up and think “huh?”

WAGMI United - “a new brand at the intersection of crypto and sports” - that’s right the one intersection you neither knew nor cared existed - has announced its acquisition of League Two Crawley Town.

Guess what? They’re involved in that oh-so-shady business of NFTs. Don’t bother looking up what it is if you don’t know, I’ll tell you - it’s fraudsters gold.

“We get promoted to League One in year two - or you fire us!” they spouted. As if that’ll calm the fears of the home faithful, who if they have any sense should be setting their satnavs to such National League luminaries at Kings Lynn Town, Bromley, and Wealdstone.

Crawley Town v Oldham Athletic - Sky Bet League 2
A stadium soon to host non league football
Photo by Eddie Garvey/MI News/NurPhoto via Getty Images

It gets worse: “Most members of the group have no formal soccer background... so we are going to try a bunch of unconventional stuff... and our hope is that it works. There’s not much downside if it doesn’t.”

That’s right, there isn’t much downside if you poorly administer a football club is there? Just ask fans of Bury.

And if they do sell NFTs, what will it be of? Digital images of Crawley Town being relegated?

WAGMI were apparently in the running to buy Bradford City but got told to f*ck off. Allegedly they made Billy-telltale-tall-story-looseteeth-I-live-with-my-mum-Storey look like he had a Prince Andrew-sized payoff in his bank account.

There are 125 years of history potentially down the toilet at The People’s Pension Stadium.


12 men... you’ve only got 12 men...

Shades of Tranmere away over in Germany as Bayern Munich accidentally fielded 12 players for around 20 seconds in their Bundesliga match against Freiburg.

Or was it an accident? You decide.

The confusion arose after the fourth official flashed up the number 29 - which no Bayern player has assigned to them, and the rest is history. Kingsley Coman didn’t leave the field at the same time as his teammate Corentin Tolisso - leaving them with an extra player.

Freiburg - who were 3-1 down at the time - announced they will be reluctantly appealing to league bosses. The match itself finished 4-1, so the result wouldn’t have changed but given Sunderland’s experience in the past, I sincerely hope they get a replay. Or awarded the points.

Whatsmore, Coman apparently made a last gasp block, throwing himself in front of an Alex Rae shot. Oh, wait...

Sport-Club Freiburg v FC Bayern München - Bundesliga
10... 11... ah...
Photo by Harry Langer/vi/DeFodi Images via Getty Images

News in Brief

The shirt Maradona wore in the Hand of God match is being auctioned - it’s expected to sell for a cool £4m. Wonder what Peter Reid’s is worth from the same match?

Spicy scenes at Ibrox as an unnamed Celtic staff member needed stitches to a head wound after being hit by a glass bottle. Ouch.

Apparently, top clubs are looking at excluding lesser lights from Champions League qualification; the plans are due to be presented to Uefa, to allow teams to qualify on a coefficient basis, rather than league position. Newcastle fans took to the streets in protest, with sheep being slaughtered on the playing fields of Benwell, and carpet bombing seen in Cowgate.

SOCCER Newcastle
Wa so angry man. Yaz divvint oonndaaastand. Wuz want champyans leeeeiiig man
Photo by Owen Humphreys - PA Images/PA Images via Getty Images
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