Roker Ramble: Richard Keys and Mark Lawrenson feature in this week’s edition!

Richard the Turd

Is there anything left to say about our man in Doha, Richard Keys? Well yes actually, because he keeps on giving people the reason to do so.

He’s a bit like the economy, you just can’t stop talking about this misunderstood privileged white man. So for the third time this season (hence the headline - I’m not saying he’s an actual turd, for clarity), Richard Keys enters the crosshairs of the Roker Ramble. It’s almost like in some sadomasochistic way, he likes being whipped with my virtual cat-o-nine-tails.

Bend over, Richard.

The latest snafu is right in the centre of the Venn diagram of classic Keysian bullshit. Accused of sexism. Misquoted. Badly done by. Hounded. Legal action. The usual sob story would elicit about as much sympathy from me as Vladimir Putin telling me he’d stood on an upturned plug.

This week Keys has earned an honourable mention Gabby Logan’s forthcoming autobiography - which is being serialised in the Mail on Sunday. In it, she criticised Coventry’s finest and wait for it, wait for it, Andy Gray for their belittling of her while pregnant.

What is it about the bromance between Keys and Gray? It’s a bit weird isn’t it - do they not have any other pals? I bet they’re nap buddies in Doha.

Anyway, Logan recalls:

I was seven months pregnant with twins, and I was huge. I looked like I’d swallowed a space hopper. In full earshot of me – and anyone who might be listening in our business-class cabin – Richard said: ‘So, Andy, what do you think of pregnant women?’

‘I’m afraid I don’t find them very attractive, Richard. In fact, I never slept with my wife when she was pregnant with our kids.’

Logan said they both “laughed their heads off at their little ‘comedy’ routine”, leaving her “embarrassed”. She described their exchange as “cruel, bearing in mind they both had children and wives of their own”.

Photo by Yui Mok/PA Images via Getty Images

Of course, Keysey wasn’t too happy with this recollection, considering his track record - which is patchier than Jeff Whitley’s penalty one.

“How sad that somebody I haven’t seen for 30 years - and for whom I went out of my way to help start their career - feels the need to take the cheap and inaccurate option by smearing me,” Keys shot back.

I notice that he says he has instructed his lawyers. The thing is Richard, you need to prove there’s been damage to your reputation - when to so many it’s in the gutter already, that might be a mighty difficult task.

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A Lawro Lawro claims of unfair dismissal

Another white privileged male with an axe to grind. In fact if you are a white, privileged male then you might want to stop reading now (that’s some advice from a white privileged man).

This might be a bit old now, because I started writing it on Friday night. However I got too drunk and couldn’t bring myself to finish it. Still, as Hemingway says, write drunk, edit sober.

I have it on good authority that people who write for right wing newspapers don’t actually believe the guff that they produce. It’s actually because they need to pay their mortgages before their current deal ends. At which point they will become homeless. So any dollar will do (at this point it’s probably worth more than the pound).

This is why I have taken the decision to depart from my better judgement and quote the Daily Express. Yes, there’s a first time for everything; don’t worry though, I’ve washed my hands thoroughly before relaying this information. Sadly, my eyes are toast, as I have failed to retain my retinas after viewing this particular publication.

I’ve also taken the decision to quote GB News, because well, in for a penny in for a pound. In normal circumstances, there’s no excuse for this type of behaviour. Unless you want to set your laptop alight and burn your house down because you lack an appropriate accelerant.

The reason why I am sacrificing myself in this way is because Mark Lawrenson has been doing the media rounds following his departure from the BBC. Unfortunately for Lawro it was a bit of an “it’s not you it’s me” situation from the Beeb top brass. Simply put, he didn’t want to go. As such he was booted over the precipice to join pundits-of-yore such as Alan Hansen and Ron Atkinson on the football scrapheap.

As such, the Express report that when talking to professional dickhead Dan Wootton on GB News, Lawro came out swinging:

“It seems to me the BBC has made a big mistake parting with you.” Wootton followed through. “What is shocking to me is if you are old and white at the BBC these days, they seem to not really want you.”

Dan, it was like that when I was at Countryfile back in 2009 and Miriam O’Reilly went on the offensive (and won, Google it).

It saddens me that Lawro talks to Wootton. He’s like a (very) southern version of Darren Grimes - you know the man, he’s that Tory GB News Durham Mag who’s such a colossal turd he would threaten the structural integrity of the sewers under Fawcett Street.

Lawro - who once predicted a 159-game unbeaten run for Liverpool admitted:

Yeah I would totally agree with that and I think, Sue Barker etc, I just don’t get it. I think the premise should be, whatever age you are, colour or whatever, if you can do what you are asked to do, and are very good at the job, then you should still be in the job. It is just very very strange. I mean, Dan Walker, I am sure you know Dan, he used to present Football Focus. He found out from basically rumours that he had lost his job at the end of the season, so it is just a strange way that the BBC operate I am afraid.

Photo by Karwai Tang/WireImage

Funny thing was, Walker left for Channel 5 on what you might call an “Alex Neil deal”. In other words, he suggested it was for the money.

Listen, I quite liked Lawro and his own particular brand of doom-laden funk. He made watching football sound like he was being forced to drown kittens in a bag, then relay the news to their mother. However I won’t be lamenting his departure - he wasn’t exactly a leviathan of broadcasting, but he was in fairness by no means the worst.

Happily for Lawro he is now predicting things for Paddy Power - and features in a mildly amusing film, which you can view here.

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News in Brief

• Ukraine is reportedly preparing a joint bid for the World Cup in 2030 with Spain and Portugal. I’m not sure they’ve completely thought that one through.
• Nottingham Forest are considering an approach for Rafael Benitez as Steve Cooper continues to pay the price for being too successful too quickly.
• Jurgen Klopp has asked the British press to not write negative stories about England’s players in the lead up to the World Cup next month. Apparently it could affect their confidence. However if he’s talking about Trent Alexander-Arnold he needn’t worry - he’s not going.