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Roker Ramble: These are weird times, but why have the FA started shooting geese!?

There’s only one sensible solution for football’s dilemma; it doesn’t involve masks, Daniel Sturridge (disowned by his dog) the Arab Spring at Newcastle or the FA’s green credentials shot to hell!

Goose in the setting sun Photo by Daniel Karmann/picture alliance via Getty Images

People are crazy and times are strange,

I’m locked in tight, I’m outta range,

I used to care, but, things have changed.

Bob Dylan

Hail Peeps and welcome to WWF-6 (World Without Football – week 6 – I think) and all the talk this week has been about when and how football will resume. At a time when the world should be pulling together to defeat Covid-19, but isn’t, it’s no surprise to see each individual country coming up with its own solution.

Scotland, Belgium and Holland have already closed off their current seasons with no promotions or relegations, Denmark plan to restart their season in May but without fans - Sweden a month later and in front of actual crowds.

In England, we continue to have meetings but hint that football will restart in June, behind closed doors and with the possibility that players will wear masks. Why? Are they going to knock off a jewellers in Hatton Garden? Surely it can’t be to prevent catching or transmitting the virus, for if this were the case then no-one in their right mind would be sanctioning the return of football matches when such a threat still existed?

Gremio v Sao Luiz Play the Rio Grande do Sul State Championship With Closed Doors as a Precautionary Measure Against the Coronavirus
Moving within six feet of the opposition? Aye, that’s a bookable offence.
Photo by Lucas Uebel/Getty Images

Accepting the need to relieve tensions over the lockdown, the Government are making noises about lifting restrictions – but that doesn’t mean the threat will be any less to the individual, just that the Government is comfortable the NHS won’t be overwhelmed by the expected increase in the number of cases.

Moreover, for the first time this week mention has been made about social distancing being necessary ‘til the end of the year, and common sense tells you that it’ll be necessary until a cure is readily available.

Knowing this, any return to football, I’m sorry to say, will be impossible surely? Look around, everything has changed, and it’s naive to think things can get back to normal in a couple of weeks with some closed doors, online streaming and a face mask.

The only sensible answer, with the information we have at present is to draw a line under all leagues and call it a day. Then start again when it’s safe, which could be the Summer, Autumn or even next year.

...which is all very gloomy, and when I get gloomy there’s only one course of action – I find out what Daniel Sturridge has been up to. He never disappoints.

He’s currently serving a worldwide ban for betting violations and has been released from contract by his old club Trabzonspor. The ban follows on from his actions in telling family and friends where his 2018 transfer would likely end up so they could bet on the transfer and make a killing.

However, he’s now gone on social media saying that he’s campaigning to have betting on player transfers banned and that it’s the betting companies that are at fault. It’s like saying that it’s the banks fault when they’re robbed for being there in the first place. Go, Daniel!

However I was sorry not to see his dog Lucci make an appearance in the broadcast – perhaps it was self-isolating, or perhaps it didn’t want to be associated with a known crook...

Haute Dog Howl’oween Parade
Lucci, heavily disguised, last seen making it’s way away from the Sturridge household.
Photo by Chelsea Guglielmino/Getty Images

Great quote this week from the takeover saga at Newcastle and the ongoing row over whether or not the consortium that includes Saudi Arabia should be allowed to buy the club:

But given the chairman of the Saudi Private Investment Fund, Mohammed bin Salman, owns a painting that cost more than Newcastle, it seems likely any hitches can be smoothed over.

The Guardian

The hypocrisy surrounding these arguments really pisses me off. Everyone knows that the Saudis have an atrocious human rights record which includes murdering and dismembering a journalist recently on the orders of the Crown Prince and yet the world fawns over them at every level, from Government to business to international relations, just because of their financial clout and oil reserves.

So don’t choose to make a stand against them in football. Don’t get all self-righteous about them buying into Newcastle until you’ve thrown them out of the United Nations, pressured them into stopping the war in Yemen, closed their embassies and imposed sanctions. Then I’ll listen to arguments about whether or not they can buy into a f**cking football team!

More good publicity for the FA this week with news that they’ve been shooting geese at their HQ at St George’s Park. The geese have been attracted to the site because the FA included a lake in their recent refurbishment... and why not, I mean it just wouldn’t be a refurbishment without a lake, would it?

Signs Of Spring In London
If you build it, they will come....
Photo by David Cliff/NurPhoto via Getty Images

However the geese, liking the look of the lake, wouldn’t stop defecating on the pitches, so in order to ‘preserve safety’ (although presumably not for the geese) the FA have been shooting them. This goes against the grain somewhat, or as one environmentalist puts it:

There is something sinister in creating a pond which you show off as part of your green credentials, only to slaughter the birds that come to use it because you don’t like bird poo on your lawn.”

Fear not, I’ve an answer. Throughout the lockdown, Spurs players have been continually flouting the social distancing rules with Serge Aurier and Moussa Sissoko being caught out this week, responding with the usual insulting rhetoric about not setting an example, blah, blah, blah.

So, Spurs should send all the players to Burton-on-Trent, set up a special social distancing training camp and train up there by the lake, which will stop the bastards from potentially harming the public and keep the geese away as well. The job is a good one.

Til’ next week then, stay safe.