12. Phil Babb
Only those of old enough to remember the golden age of SAFC.com will remember big Phil’s best moment.
A silhouette of a bald head, claiming we had signed a “European star”.
The sweaty palms, the pulsing heart-rate - “who could it be?!” we all asked... Sake.
11. Alan Stubbs
Now this bloke is one who still makes me salivate with rage and come over all Patrick Bateman. It’s still bewildering to me that he managed to get away with celebrating a goal against us and not one person felt the need to throttle him.
I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as to win a pre-season game as I did last year when we smashed his St. Mirren side 6-0.
If you’re reading this Alan. I hope you get really bad athlete’s foot.
10. Jason Steele
That QPR sending off away from home - Jason Steele in a nutshell.
9. Tore Andre Flo
When you combine the money spent with the money returned and goal return (don’t forget relegation!) it’s fair to say the Norwegian was about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike.
Many say we didn’t play to his strengths, that we expected him to be another Niall Quinn, that he was better on floor. Well... he wasn’t, he was just really crap at football.
8. Milton Nunez
I see you there with the big sad look on your face.
“But he was only little! He was the wrong guy! It’s not his fault! - that’s not fair!”.
I know he was a nice lad and did a little boxing routine for us at half time once, but he was utter dogs**t. Accept it.
7. James Vaughan
The way he elbowed Bryan Oviedo the in play-off semi-final, the pointless goading of Sunderland fans via Twitter after he played in part in our relegation last May, the ear cupping after scoring from two yards out - they are so many reasons to dislike James Vaughan, but it’s mainly his footballing ability that made us dislike him.
Do you know how hard it is to tell people you once played for us, mate?
6. Papy Djilobodji
Look, I’ll admit it. I made a mistake when I ranked Papy at number 71 in the ‘Ellis Short’s 100+ signings’ feature that I did at the beginning of the year.
I placed him ahead of lovable (but useless) characters such as Danny Graham, Christian Riveros and err - Callum McManaman - but this is my chance at redemption.
So here you go Papy, get in my top ten worst players list. I will forever fart in your direction.
5. Andy Gray
There aren’t many things that annoy me in this world (that is a lie), but one thing that really grinds my gears is how much this bloke gets away with being missed out of ‘Sunderland’s worst strikers’ list - so here you are Andy, you’re in my worst ever players list.
Andy Gray was the equivalent of a marzipan dildo.
4. Kelvin Davis
I’ve spent the last decade trying to erase this wee joker from my memory and, up until this list, I had done pretty well.
A goalkeeper so bad, a fan even once ran on the pitch to tell him he was “pretty unhappy” with his performances directly after he’d been lobbed from about 85 yards out. Useless.
The kind of goalkeeper that made you want to go home and boil your head following the final whistle.
3. Gareth Hall
Watching back some Gareth Hall defending is quite funny in hindsight - although it certainly wasn’t at the time. His panic whenever a winger ran at him was akin to playing hopscotch on a field of land mines.
He had these sort of worried, googley-looking eyes that rock from side to side whenever a left winger ran at him, before he just lunged in, got done for pace or just wilted like a flower.
Honestly, watch it back, it’s pretty bloody funny.
2. Jack Rodwell
£10 million. TEN MILLION POUNDS. Honest to f**k. Sorry for cursing.
The thought of his smug little face, sitting on that cream couch, insisting he was “not to blame” for being, you know, utterly crap. He stated it was “unfair” of him to ask him to walk away from his contract. UNFAIR. BLOODY UNFAIR. ARGGHHH! Jack Rodwell, you make me spit.
1. Lee Camp
With wrists made of Quavers, the pony-tailed demon from our nightmares takes ‘pride’ of place as the worst SAFC player of the last quarter century.
Well done Lee.
Chris Coleman signing him to fix our goalkeeping issues is akin to hiring Peter Beardsley as the new face of the Kick It Out campaign. I’ve never seen a goalkeeper lack basic skills like being mobile, and, you know, being able to stop the ball from going past him.
Curse you Lee Camp.