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Roker Ramble: David Moyes to Bulgaria? That’ll teach ‘em...

David Moyes to Bulgaria - that’ll teach them; Blue Peter badges making the difference; Marco Silva - only half the man he was, and Lucci - the story continues... It’s the Roker Ramble.

Burnley v Newcastle United - Premier League Photo by Simon Stacpoole/Offside/Getty Images

There’s no doubt that politics in the west has moved to the right in recent years. Both in the USA and the west pro-right parties have now gained power for many reasons, and it’s leading to an uncomfortable reality that needs to be understood and addressed in a calm and measured way.

No similar move has taken place in Bulgaria. This is because they’ve been camped out in the outer reaches of the far right galaxy since before World War Two when they were staunch allies of Adolf. Consequently, it was no surprise that they couldn’t pass up the opportunity of demonstrating to the world their benign tolerance and innate hospitality when England came to play a game of football.

But how should such behaviour be answered? The knee-jerk reaction is to ban them from UEFA but this is never going to happen, partly because UEFA are a toothless waste of space, and partly because Bulgaria in a footballing sense are a pushover, and who’s going to turn down the easy points when trying to qualify for a competition?

It’s tempting to give them a free ride to the final so they can bring their fans over here next summer, where they can get to meet some of our fans with a different political view, but that might not quite work out as planned, and making them play in an empty stadium just makes for such a dull, flat, soul-less experience - no-one really wants that, so a more subtle approach is required.

Bulgaria v England - UEFA Euro 2020 Qualifying - Group A - Vasil Levski National Stadium
Half close your eyes and you could be in Newcastle....
Photo by Nick Potts/PA Images via Getty Images

Their manager Krasimir Balakov, who denied seeing any impropriety during the game, promptly resigned after the match, no doubt to take up a senior position in the Ministry of Immigration, so the national side are currently leaderless.

Therefore, in the spirit of rehabilitation, they should be made to take David Moyes on a three year contract to bring the good times back to Sofia.

He’s out of work so it’s a nice fit, he’s got a good track record of dealing with the media and is a natural with winning hostile fans over to his side – it’s a match made in heaven. He’s just the man to pick up a side low on confidence who’ve lost their last seven games – a period which in six months time will come to be known as ‘The Golden Age’.

Apart from that they should be banned from the Eurovision Song Contest, that’ll stop the buggers from ganging up against us in the scoring, have Northern Rail take over their public transport network, and invite Nigel Farage in to mediate over a new national party of cohesion.

For his part in standing up to racism, Raheem Sterling was presented with a GOLD Blue Peter Badge this week - it’s a well-known fact that no Bulgarian has ever been presented with a Blue Peter Badge, so suck on that Krasimir.

Oh, and stop going there for your holidays.

Burnley v Newcastle United - Premier League
David struggles to remember the Bulgarian phrase for ‘we’re going to be in a relegation fight’
Photo by Simon Stacpoole/Offside/Getty Images

I know very little about Phil Parkinson, but given that he’s our new manager I’m prepared to believe that he’s a composite of Sir Alex Ferguson, Ben Stokes, Gary Rowell and Lara Croft.

However, one thing that immediately impressed me about him was that he has an assistant – Steve Parkin. Why? Because two is better than one, all the greats come in pairs – Ant & Dec, Morecambe and Wise, Sooty and Sweep. It’s the same in football.

Clough and Taylor of course were brilliant together, not so much apart. Pep has Mikel Arteta – a man whose range of expression is based on a goldfish, but very much part of the pairing. Klopp is a practicing Christian so he’s got God on his side – very handy in a tight spot, and there’s the tall bearded guy in a matching tracksuit who stands very close to Eddie Howe for much of the time – he’s very good as well I’m sure.

But then there’s Marco Silva, who was really impressive at Hull, really impressive at Watford - right up until the time Everton came calling and then... pants - a strange downturn in performance, I think you’ll agree.

Might it have something to do with the departure of Joao Pedro Sousa, his long time number two, to F.C. Famalicão in Portugal where he’s tearing up the division outstripping the likes of Porto, Benfica and Sporting Lisbon? Has Marco been found out? In the meantime, can someone make sure that Steve Parkin gets a good car parking space please?

Stoke City v Bolton Wanderers - Sky Bet Championship - bet365 Stadium
This man has balls.
Photo by Nick Potts/PA Images via Getty Images

Numerous explanations are currently doing the rounds as to why Manchester United are such rubbish at the moment but claims that non-football people make major football decisions at the Old Trafford club are ‘a myth’ and ‘an insult’ according to Ed Woodward, the accountant and investment banker and current executive vice chairman of the club.

Finally an update on Lucci, Daniel Sturridge’s dog that was so tragically kidnapped over the summer in a story that gripped the world, before being miraculously found and returned to his grateful, loving owner for a large finders fee.

With his owner now playing for Trabzonspor, Lucci finds himself / herself / itself living in Turkey, where despite almost being skewered by the locals in a kebab shop is now spearheading the Turkish advance into Northern Syria, but hopes to return before Daniel has to face Fenerbahce in the return leg of the Turkish cup.

Getafe CF v Trabzonspor: Group C - UEFA Europa League
Sit, Lucci, good dog....
Photo by Quality Sport Images/Getty Images

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