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Merry Mackem Christmas! Here’s what we bought some of Sunderland’s stars for the festive season

It’s Christmas, we’re feeling particularly thankful and giving... so here’s what presents we bought for some of Sunderland’s players.

Bali McLovin

Lee Cattermole

As much as I’d love to buy our longest serving player a big bottle of Polish Vodka and go out on the lash, I’m going to get him some WD40 to spray on his joints.

We love you Lee Barry, we really do, but you do sometimes look a little rusty after an injury lay-off.

Josh Maja

What better Christmas present could you give to our top scorer than a brand new top of the range Parker pen? Small, compact, stylish and easy enough to wrap, it’s also ideal for signings things such as new contracts.

Lynden Gooch

Nothing makes us prouder than hearing a boy from Santa Cruz in the United States of Trumpland speak with a pseudo-Mackem accent. For a lad born so far away from Wearside, it’s clear to see (and hear) that he’s one of our own.

It’s time to step up your game though, Lynden. Nothing other than a copy of the Mackem Dictionary will do for you. The Mackem twang you have is lovely, but we need to hear more of ‘nee bosh’, ‘marra’ and ‘skewel’. Let’s complete the transition.

Mackem Dictionary

Glenn Loovens

Ever seen Wallace and Gromit’s ‘The Wrong Trousers’? Giving the gift of Gromit’s techno trousers would be absolutely f**king ideal for our big Dutch defender.

Whilst we may all still be a little mad at him for giving away a penalty in a title six-pointer on Saturday, we can fix this and get the love back for Glenn and his luxurious locks as his techno trousers allow him to transform into the defender he was five seasons ago.

He can do all sorts of radge stuff while wearing them - smashing wingers to bits, make sure centre forwards don’t outpace him, walk on the ceiling at the Academy and loads more. Lovely.

Max Styjek

After impressing at Eastleigh on loan this season, Stryjek got a little homesick and decided to make the return back to Wearside to battle with Robbin Ruiter as number two goalkeeper.

To mark his return to sunny Sunderland, we’ve bought him some home comforts - a nice tub of pease-pudding, a bottle of Double-Maxim and a guided tour of the Glass Centre should see that cheeky Polish smile return to his face this Christmas.

Jerome Sinclair

We don’t mean to be harsh to Jerome, but one gift stuck out above all others when it came to you. A copy of Ron Jeremy: The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz - an expert in sustained performance and finishing - will do wonders for Sunderland’s misfiring number 17.

Bali Mumba

The 17-year-old has had a dream of a year. He’s captained the team, made his professional debut, played for the National team at U19 level and even held his own press conference - but he still can’t legally drink.

A fake ID seems the perfect idea, then, particularly if the South Shields native is to truly experience the same things we did as youngsters, like being turfed out of Roxannes at 4am when the lights come on.

Bali McLovin he shall be named, and if there’s ever a way to toughen him up, a few rounds on the p*ss with Catts should do the trick.

Duncan Watmore

Clever, intelligent and intellectual, you’d assume our Dunc might appreciate a book on his specialist subject of economics, but we’re selfish here at Roker Report towers and we’ve got him a tightly-wrapped bionic knee to ensure that he never breaks down again.

Chris Maguire

For a man known only as ‘The King’, a crown may seem the obvious choice - but there’s plenty of pictorial evidence that he has plenty of them. So we had to have a think... what doesn’t, he have?

Worry not, m’lord, because as of Christmas morning you’re moving in to Hylton Castle.

Enjoy, Chris.

“Which one is my room?”
Hylton Castle

Luke O’Nien

In the number ten role, defensive midfield and now even right back, sweet Luke has oodles of energy that he just can’t seem to burn off - and I do worry that he may struggling to sleep, such are his energy levels.

So Lukey lad, we got you a tennis ball on a string. Just tie it to your back and run after it. That’ll soon tire you out and burn off any excess energy.

Max Power

Max Power was the most difficult to buy for. At first I thought of wee box of Kalms to alleviate his moments of madness, but in a weird way we’ve missed Max’s aggression in the middle and he seems a little nervous to tackle these days.

So to solve our little problem, we bought him Hypnosis for Beginners from Amazon, so next time he feels like crunching someone and the referee runs over ready to brandish that red, the loanee can use the power (get it?) of hypnosis to tell the ref to look into his eyes, not around the eyes, but in the eyes...

Aiden McGeady

The Netflix documentary Sunderland ‘Till I Die certainly opened many of our eyes to the real personalities of many of Sunderland’s personal - especially Irish magician Aiden McGeady.

Based on that, we scoured the internet and came across a dart board with Chris Coleman’s face emblazoned across it. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it...

George Honeyman

Mr consistent, the skipper and apparent Roker Report favourite George will be delighted waking up Christmas day with a reminder of his 2018/19 performances so far as we managed to nab him a copy of Dodie’s 6/10.

Donald Love

And last, but never least, is our lovable Donald. What do you buy the boy who has everything? After many sleepless nights, tossing and turning, hoping to not disappoint him, we opted for trip to the room of mirrors - because then at least Love is all around us.

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