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Roker Ramble: It’s kicking off everywhere! Ross Barkley, Ronaldo, Neymar and... Darron Gibson

In this week’s edition of Roker Report’s satirical swipe at the world of football: Ross Barkley is going cheap, Ronaldo is going to prison, Neymar is going ballistic, and Darron Gibson is going south - hopefully.

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John Crocker’s weekly swipe at the world of football!
Simon Walsh

So, there are just days to go until the season begins and we’re right back in it. And it’s going to be great, fantastic, one of the best seasons ever - mark my words, this season is going to be a belter... for everyone.

Well, maybe not Ross Barkley though. Not only is Ross homeless, he’s recovering from minor groin surgery, so either he’s got a scratch down below, or down below is nothing to write home about – the information wasn’t clear, but Ross is drifting – if he was Japanese he’d be ‘ronin’ – roaming the countryside looking for a new master.

Plenty say that they want him - Spurs say they’ve always had an eye for a bit of Ross, but perhaps he’s a bit pricey at the moment. Arsenal too are keen - as they are for anyone with a pulse, but wait a minute... nope, they didn’t realise he was English, so they're out.

Ross is believed to be open to a transfer to Old Trafford - much in the same way that I’m open to a three month all expenses paid trip to the Maldives, but it ain’t going to happen. So whilst we’re all looking forward to the big kick-off this week, spare a thought for Ross - and his groin. And if one of those adverts come up on TV at half time asking you text £3.00 to ‘Ross’, please follow your conscience.

Someone else who might be looking for a few bob is Ronaldo, who’s been pinned up against a wall by the Spanish tax authorities looking for a sweetener of £13 million in missed payments. Ron had previously denied the allegations saying that his ‘conscience is clear’.

Cristiano Ronaldo Declares On Fraud Investigations In Madrid
My client has gone home, someone has stolen my speech, and please don't address me as 'Rafa'.
Photo by Denis Doyle/Getty Images

Doesn’t mean that he didn’t do it of course, just that he doesn’t give a sh*t. According to his lawyers, however he:

...didn’t break any laws, all he did was follow criteria that the tax inspectors don’t like.

In other words, there was no trace of fraud, just a difference of opinion. Now I’m not a lawyer in any shape or form, but from personal experience I can tell you that in matters such as this, it’s not your opinion that counts. Those buggers have had hundreds of years to build up opinions that’ll dump you on your backside every time and I wouldn’t be surprised if Ron finds himself firmly in the doo-doo.

And the daft thing is, if he decided to do a strop and quit Spain, there are half a dozen clubs out there that would pay his tax bill as a sweetener before any talks of a contract were mentioned. Of course they might have to try and get him out of prison first.

Perhaps he’d better start sucking up to Neymar, who’s squillion pound transfer to PSG will net him £20 million a year for starters. Neymar wants out of Barcelona because he... well because he does really, and he confirmed this with a training ground bust-up with new boy Nélson Semedo, in which he:

...hurled his bib to the floor.

FC Barcelona Training Session - UEFA Champions League Final
One more word and this bib is going - down....
Photo by Shaun Botterill/Getty Images

There you are, ego the size of the planet and someone dares to cross you – how can you express the anger, the outrage, how can you show what the temerity of this attack on your personal self has done? You want to bring mountains crashing down to the ground, make the very heavens resonate with deafening sound that will hurl those specks of humanity that have defiled you to the ground, desperately begging forgiveness from your omnipresent self.

And what have you got? A bib.

Meanwhile the exciting part of the transfer window is approaching, but is it really that good? This year has been like most, the big clubs get the important transfers out of the way early, then it’s all about people you’ve never heard of coming in at the last minute before being loaned out again, and clubs saying that they’re really interested in Ross Barkley when you know that he will end up at Stoke as a replacement for Arnautovic, where he’ll play for two seasons before transferring to West Ham as a replacement for Arnautovic.

Elsewhere in the window, Monaco have gone mad and basically sold their first team from last season, they now have more money than Ron and Neymar put together - but no players. I’m not sure about the reasoning there, lads. And yet Spurs - who this week were accused of having 'no ambition' by Antonio Conte - have still not bought anyone in this window. They did the same last summer until they plucked Sissoko from Newcastle at the last minute for £30 million and look how that worked out.

And the last word this week from the one and only Mr Darron Gibson:

Right, I might be off my face in here but I still want to play for Sunderland.

Well, it’s not enough, bonny lad. Bye.