How Do I Get There?
If you're a Massive Lads Fan and are arriving by train you'll most likely come into London at King's Cross. From here you've got two choices. You can either catch the Northern Line to London Bridge then change for a Southern train towards Horsham and jump off at Norwood Junction.
Alternatively, take the Victoria Line to Victoria and change for another Southern train to Epsom alighting at Thornton Heath. Either option will drop you off within walking distance of Selhurst Park.
If you're a poor fool who thought driving to Crystal Palace was a good idea then take the A19 out of Sunderland and join the A1 (M) in North Yorkshire. Follow this glorious stretch of road all the way down south until it becomes the M11.
Now the fun begins. You need to do a lovely sojourn along the M25. Oh how you'll delight at driving along Britain’s busiest motorway. Cross the river and leave the dreaded road at junction four, where you’ll head towards the A21/Sevenoaks Road. From there, follow signs for the A232, quickly followed by the A214. By the time you turn left onto the A213, you’ll begin to see signage for Selhurst with match day parking available around the ground.
In decent traffic this journey takes just over 5 hours, so if you’re driving on the day, give yourself plenty of time.
Where Can I Get The Sesh Started?
Leave the warm embrace of north-east alcohol pricing polices and prepare to repeat the words "how much?!" and then quietly seethe with your beverage of choice in the Big Smoke. Around Selhurst Park you'll find options to get the sesh started a little limited, however there is a Wetherspoons known as The Flora Sandes close to Thornton Heath railway station.
A better bet would be sticking around the London Bridge area where you'll find a multitude of pubs, bistros, wine bars, cocktail joints and everything else those fancy Dan London types love. A little diamond in the rough of these establishments is The Old King's Head, a stone's throw from London Bridge station, which combines the charm of an Eastenders set with prices that won't have you vomiting bile.
Alternatively, there is the massive Fuller's pub The Barrowboy & Banker, the swanky George Inn housed in a 17th-century building and the trendy Bunch of Grapes. All are within walking distance of the station and are great places for a few jars pre-match - just try not to fall over when they charge you £5.45 for an IPA.
I'm Staying Owa, Is There Owt To Do?
It's London on a Saturday night - so aye, there's plenty of things going on. All you hip young cats will no doubt be heading to the 02 Arena after the match to see that creator of popular music Drake, whilst some of you older lot will be yearning for some mid-1990s nostalgia and will be popping along to the O2 Academy Brixton to see Skunk Anansie (you better believe they’re still going).
After watching comedy on the pitch, how about some comedy on the stage? The Comedy Store Late Show kicks off at the iconic venue in Soho at 11pm with the likes of Adam Bloom, Ivo Graham, Andy Askins and Ian Stone offering classic yucks to have you chuckling away long into the evening. Tickets are available for around £20.
And for those sore heads in the morning, direct yourself to the Natural History Museum and stare at some dinosaur bones - there's no real reason why, just the Natural History Museum is both free and absolutely class.
Is The Stadium Any Good?
Selhurst Park falls into that category along with Goodison Park and Turf Moor where purists love it despite it needing to be desperately razed to the ground. "You don't get football grounds like this anymore," yer Da will muse as he strains his neck trying to see the pitch round one of the many obstructing pillars.
"Ah, now this is a proper ground", he adds as he waits to use the outhouse of a toilet in the open air. Ah, that pleasant stench of a combination of rancid burgers, paint and urine - this is what the Premier League is about. Now I'll happily admit I'm not of the age (I was born in 1989, gissa break) to remember when this was the norm but going on my Selhurst Park experiences I assume that football fans or a bygone era spent the majority of matches not being able to see the pitch and wading through puddles of piss in the 'toilets'.
Sunlun' fans are housed in the far right section of the Arthur Wait Stand which has an allocation of around 2,000. To the immediate right is the smaller Whitehorse Lane Stand while opposite is the Main Stand. To the left is the Holmesdale Road End complete with a load of blokes in black shirts jumping up and down. Don't worry about them as you won't be able to see them as well as the left hand side of the pitch at the far end due to them pesky pillars and terrible gradient of the stand.