Who Are The Leaders & High Scorers?
There’s just no shifting Shane Warnes Flipper, a thought I’ve had on far too many occasions. Still leading the way, Jonathan Glover’s men scored a high 72 points, with brace grabbing Alexis Sanchez leading the way as captain. 30 points alone from Arsenal’s chilean maestro meant that the hit of none of Jonathan’s strikers scoring wasn’t really felt and some clean sheets at the back more than made up for it.
Second placed Mathew Middlemiss was unlucky not to pick up the highest scorer award this week, after Team G.O.A.T were just pipped to being the greatest by Stanley United. Claire Thompson’s team brought home 87 points, also thanks to Alexis Sanchez’s captaincy. Just like the team at the top, none of Claire’s strikers scored but Alfie Mawson’s stunning volley and clean sheet balanced that out nicely. Monday nights game sealed it, after Raheem Sterling nabbed a goal and an assist.
Who Is Down The Bottom?
We’re getting consistency at the top of the table and there’s a pattern emerging down the bottom as well. All You Need Is Love are still well adrift and Kier Bradwell is still clearly paying no attention so I’m on the brink of making jokes about his ma’, just to see if that will stir him into action.
I think the weeks lowest scorer may have also given up, since Jan Kirchhoff is in their team. Still, Being As An O’Shea only managed 22 points this week so direct your laughter towards Indra Ninditya.
How Are The Roker Report Team Doing?
After falling last week, Jim Holmes see’s his team drop a further two places to 16th. Despite having Alexis, Giroud - Sandstorm didn’t give him the armband meaning his weekly score was dead on the average score of 47. You need more than that in the upper echelons and Jim will have been even more frustrated when Gabriel Jesus was forced off injured, in the first half of Manchester City’s Monday Night Football encounter.
A one man show led to Dan Parker not making any progress this week, with 30 of his 54 points coming from, you’ve guessed it - Alexis Sanchez. If only the likes of Jermain Defoe, Eden Hazard or Diego Costa had performed as they usually do, 50 Shades Of O’Shea may not have slipped to 30th. But at least Dan didn’t perform as abysmally as Micky Lough, who went from 36th to 62nd! Awful stuff from FlyOnTheWingsOfLove, who still have Branislav Ivanovic in their team. I don’t need to say any more.
Bizarrely, my team scored below the average but still edged up the table. 45 points was enough to take Champagne Papy Bodji from 154th to 149th. It may have been higher had Jesus not knacked his metatarsal (make your own jokes about Jesus based foot injuries, it’s too obvious for me to even try) but I did have the weeks best player, Sadio Mane, in my midfield.
Everyone has struggled with strikers this week, however, so it’s been up to the midfielders and defenders to keep things ticking over. A great example of that is Steel Panthers, yet another team captained by Sanchez (I sold him the other week, this is really rubbing it in). As well as Sanchez, Karl Maguire had Gareth McAuley in defence and David De Gea in goal, which took him up to 159th. No such luck for Tom Atkinson though, who despite getting a goal from Shane Long, saw his four midfielders combine to only score 12 points. A couple of Everton based clean sheets from Williams & Baines, (sounds like a law firm, that does) kept things from being a total abomination but Sunlun still fell to 198th.
Some good recent form has seen Gav’s Ice Cream Kone pick up lately and it meant that even though they had a poor week, they stayed put in 233rd. There were no goals from any of Gav’s players, which is rather unlucky to be fair, so he’ll have to hope for better when we return after The FA Cup. Simon Fenton won’t be given the same kind of leeway though, since there’s one player in his team who’s out for two months (Virgil van Dijk) and one player who doesn’t even play in the Premier League any more (Dimitri Payet). No wonder Team Simon are now 252nd, sort it out man!
I’m not sure what’s going on with James Henchard’s Blackended Roar Mass, mind. They’re like that team who potter about in mid-table all season then before you know it, they’re in the relegation places going into the last day of the season. Sitting in 277th, James’ team are in real danger of falling out of the top 300 and he’ll have to hope that Manolo Gabbiadini keeps up his fine form.
I’ll tell you who’s in even more danger of seeing his teams position start with a three though - Carl Purvis’ Crystal Phallus. Not even using his bench boost could prevent Carl’s charges from slipping to 286th, with no goals in his team and only two clean sheets. Carl, if you still have your wildcard, get it used mate.
Who Should I Pick Next Week?
As ever, it’s the usual disclaimer of let the cup games get out of the way before making your transfers. Don’t forget there’s Champions League action coming up too, so give it until next Thursday, at the very earliest, before making your changes. It’s also the EFL cup final next weekend, so players from Southampton & Manchester United are best avoided if you want immediate points. Likewise, drafting in players from Arsenal & Manchester City won’t get you anywhere, since they were due to play either side.
I told you to buy him last week and it’s already time to sell Gabriel Jesus! Thanks, Gabriel, for doing your metatarsal and making me look a right idiot. Selling him will give you quite a lot to play with, especially if you have a decent wedge in the bank and I’d replace him with another big name, top performer, such as Romelu Lukaku for £9.9m. Given that Everton play Sunderland, it’s a decent time to bring Lukaku in as well.
Since Leicester still can’t score in 2017, go shopping at Liverpool if you’re in need of defenders. There’s quite a bit of value to be had in Jurgen Klopp’s side with goalkeeper Simon Mignolet priced at £4.7m and centre half Joel Matip only a few quid more, with a price tag of £5.3m. Despite Liverpool’s defensive frailties, they still kept a clean sheet against Tottenham, so they should be able to keep The Foxes at bay.
West Ham seem to have sorted themselves out now and they face the eternally inconsistent Watford at Vicarage Road. If you want to strengthen your midfield, there’s some very reasonably priced players in The Hammers ranks such as Michail Antonio (£7m), Mark Noble (£6.2m) and Manuel Lanzini (£6.3m). Antonio has been selected by quite a few managers, with 10% having them in their team, but barely anyone has chosen Lanzini or Noble, so there’s a good chance for you to earn points where others don’t.