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Heading to Wolverhampton this weekend? Here’s our Away Guide - Where to sup... & Ken Dodd is on

Chris Coleman’s red and white wizards are heading down the M6 tomorrow to beat some absolute jobbers from the Black Country. We’ve got the lowdown on where to drink and what to do on our festive trip to the Midlands.

Ken Dodd Unveils His Portrait At The National Portrait Gallery Photo by Chris Jackson/Getty Images

Who Are These Jobbers?

Oh look at us, we’re Wolverhampton Wanderers. We’ve got too many letters in our name, we consider West Brom a team worthy of having a rivalry with, we’ve got loads of money and get our loan players from Atletico Madrid and we win every game - isn’t everything wonderful with the world? Isn’t it great not being in mountains of debt, winning a home game in a calendar year and not having a bunch of players you utterly despise? Pathetic.

Football isn’t about enjoyment and routinely winning matches, it’s about quietly seething at moronic footballers and being accused by a national newspaper of defecating in your seat during a 3-1 home defeat. That’s what this beautiful game is all about.

Wolves have been pretty rubbish for the past decade but then were taken over, got loads of money, hired super agent Jorge Mendes to broker some ridiculous deals and now they’re dead mint (funny how that works, innit?). Par exemple, they bought sexy Portuguese midfielder Ruben Neves from Porto for £15.8 million, just the ten and a half times our entire summer transfer spend.

It may come as a surprise that a combination of wealthy backers, the use of one of the best connected agents in world football, a competent manager (who I have never heard of) and a decent squad of players has propelled Wolves to the top of the league.

They’re on a six-game winning streak, they’ve won 10 of their last 12 and their reserves are the only team in Europe to stop Manchester City from scoring this season. Isn’t it great supporting Wolverhampton Wanderers?

Wolverhampton Wanderers v Bristol City - Sky Bet Championship Photo by David Rogers/Getty Images

How Do I Get There?

The plus side of our impending walloping in the Black Country is that it is fairly easy to reach from the North East. If you’re driving take the A19 and then the A1 (M) down to junction 35 before exiting for the M18 which will then merge into the alluring M1. Hop off at junction 28 for the A38. Before joining the M6 Toll to Featherstone.

Trundle along the M54 before turning left for Stafford Road and you’re heading into Wolverhampton, baby! As the stadium is in the heart of the city there is plenty of parking knocking about. There is also a car park at the Civic Hall near Molineux costing around £5.

For you big dawgs getting the train down, Wolverhampton railway station is about a 10-minute walk from the stadium and within easy reach of all the boozers you won’t be allowed in. Oh, at the time of writing there is a planned rail strike across CrossCountry services, it might be called off by Saturday but check the National Rail website before setting off.

A Love Supreme coaches leave the Stadium of Light at 8am with fares costing £30. Book your place here.

Where Can I Get The Sesh Started?

Hey, do you like drinking in the bar of a Premier Inn? Because that’s where the police will want you to drink. Word on the street is that Wolverhampton is not the most hospitable place for guests wanting to gather with their north east accents and enjoy a few scoops.

If someone suggests to you to have a slurp in a place called The Bluebrick, don’t be fooled as this is a Premier Inn round the back of the train station - oh, and they charge you £2 to get in.

I can already sense your outrage. You’ve come to this friendly away guide in the hope of insight and you feel badly let down by the lack of information. Well, fear not, weary traveller, when have I not come through for you before? Never, that’s when! I do have a few tips for you to enjoy Wolverhampton.

Both Bohemian Bar on Lichfield Street and the Hogshead on Stafford Street welcome away fans with open arms. The former being a trendy cocktail bar while the latter is even trendier craft beer joint. There is also The Lynch Gate Tavern on Queen Square, which proudly holds the title of Wolverhampton CAMRA City Pub of the Year 2014 (don’t blame me if you can’t get into this one, I’m not totally sure).

If you have little time on your hands then venture to the Clarendon Hotel in the shadow of Banks’s brewery on Chapel Ash. Show your match ticket at the bar and you will receive 10% off your order - see what I do for you lovely, lovely people.

Wolverhampton Wanderers v Fulham - Sky Bet Championship Photo by Alex Pantling/Getty Images

I’m Staying Owa, Is There Owt To Do?

Fellas - looking to treat the missus to an early Christmas present? Well, nothing gets the ladies hotter than a weekend away in Wolverhampton. Watch your beloved’s eyes light up when you whisper in her ear that you’ve got tickets for Ken Dodd: The Happiness Show at Wolverhampton Civic Hall on Sunday evening.

Wait, Ken Dodd is still alive? Really? One second *opens up Wikipedia* ah, well shut my mouth, he is. Oh it says here I have to call him Sir Ken Dodd, again, when did that happen? Huh, also says here that his recording of a song called ‘Tears’ was the third-best-selling single of the 1960s and sold millions worldwide - who’da thunk it.

Norman At Ninety - Tribute Luncheon Photo by MJ Kim/Getty Images

Sorry.... yeah... right.... Wolverhampton. If you’re not all out of laughs watching Aiden McGeady spray another pass out of play, get yourself down to the Civic Hall on Saturday night for Greg Davies: You Magnificent Beast. Also on at the Civic Hall (Christ, they’re having a busy night) is something called Darkside: The Pink Floyd Show which apparently is a load of lasers, projected images and film clips with a band booming out Pink Floyd songs.

If you’re taking the bairns, then ‘tis the season for a pantomine! Wolverhampton’s Grand Theatre is hosting Jack and the Beanstalk on Saturday evening featuring all your favourite washed-up stars such as Gareth Gates, Lisa Riley and Doreen Tipton (I had to Google her) which sounds like an absolute laugh riot.

Oh no it doesn’t! Great banter.

What’s The Ground Like?

After everyone got very excited about terraces at Burton, we’re back to boring old seating where we can cut open our shins when we score/get a corner/get a throw-in/only concede twice.

There isn’t much to say about Molineux if I’m completely honest. It’s had a bit of a makeover since our last visit with the Stan Cullis Stand now being bloody massive. Our lot are housed in the lower tier of the Steve Bull Stand which - by being on the side of the pitch - offers a canny good view of the hot, Championship action.

Oh, like Sheffield Wednesday, Wolves fans sing the words ‘Hi, Ho, Wolverhampton’ to the tune of ‘Hi, Ho, Silver Lining’. Proper cool that innit?