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Middlesbrough Away Guide: “I can’t lie, this away day is the absolute pits”

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Urgh, Middlesbrough. Smelly, miserable, irrelevant, rival-less Middlesbrough. The perennial third wheel of the North East desperately wanting to be our mate. Anyway, here’s what you can get up to on a Sunday afternoon here.

Middlesbrough v Southampton - Premier League Photo by Matthew Lewis/Getty Images

How Do I Get There?

Oh Middlesbrough, you really want to be hated, don’t you? All the way down there in North Yorkshire with your pollution and funny accents being all irrelevant. Bless yer, you do try with your little banners and those songs about how Sunderland is not very nice and so forth. I’m sorry, though, we’re just not that into you. I know it hurts, there there.

Anyway, if you’re driving from Sunderland and can’t find Middlesbrough then there is really no hope for you.

To commemorate this gigantic, historic and legendary “derby” match - the club will be putting free buses on from the Stadium of Light. The 30-odd mile journey takes around two hours so make sure you go for a piss beforehand.

For added absolute bantz, thanks to engineering works there are no trains between Middlesbrough and Sunderland. So yeh, have fun with all that.

I can’t lie, this away day is the absolute pits.


Where Can I Get The Sesh Started?

This section would normally contain a whole host of well-researched pubs where you will be able to enjoy some delicious pre-match refreshment. However, since this is a) at 12.15pm b) in Middlesbrough and c) treated as a big game by the police forces of North Yorkshire - I’m not going to bother.

Alternatively, I will tell you about the time I went drinking in Middlesbrough after our game there in 2009. Upon leaving the ground, I thought I’d wet my whistle in a pub near the train station. The place in question was called Last Orders and what a treat I had in store as there was not one, but two Elvis impersonators on that night.

As I settled into my pint of £1.50 lager, I heard the very best Smoggie Elvis #1 and #2 had to offer. And quite frankly, they were fucking brilliant. If it’s still there, feel free to enjoy those sweet, sweet crooning vibes.

Anyway, the coppers will probably kettle you in Doctor Browns near the ground. It’ll be rammed, it’ll take ages to get served and it’ll be crap.

Have fun!

Middlesbrough v Southampton - Premier League Photo by Matthew Lewis/Getty Images

I’m Staying Owa, Is There Owt To Do?

No, don’t bother.


What’s The Ground Like?

Imagine Derby County’s ground but with red seats instead of black ones and you have got the Riverside Stadium. Middlesbrough’s home since 1995 provided the inspiration (LOL) for Pride Park and it’s absolutely everything you could imagine.

We’ve been moved to the corner of the East Stand under a git big TV stand. To your left you’ll probably see Boro’s ultras (again, LOL) waving flags about and singing about how much they hate Sunderland. Bless ‘em, they do try it’s just a shame literally nobody in the Football League cares about them.