Vito Mannone - 4
When is Jordan Pickford fit again? Beaten at his near post twice and then had an absolutely pathetic attempt to clear the ball for Peter Crouch's header. Almost managed to let another squirm in after Xhedran Shaqiri's shot in the first half.
Donald Love - 4
Was targeted by Stoke from the offset and simply couldn't handle Marko Arnautovic. Run ragged all game and even had the task of marking Crouch at times.
Patrick van Aanholt - 5
Not as garbage as the rest of the defence but still garbage. Almost had a straightener with Januzaj which would've topped the day off.
Papy Djilobodji - 3
Wow, just wow, this lad is absolutely terrible. Whether it was continually playing suicide passes to Denayer, shepherding a ball out and almost conceding a goal, attempting to snap Charlie Adam in two or just simply not understanding the concept of defending - he was absolutely garbage. The worst part is we can't replace him because all our other players are injured and we have no money. Mint.
John O'Shea - 4
Overshadowed in the garbage stakes by Papy but still put himself in with a decent shout of claiming the gong. Couldn't handle Crouch or literally anyone else.
Jason Denayer - 5
Stop playing this lad in midfield, he can't do it. Not helped by Papy continually firing terrible passes at him but he can't pass himself so STOP PLAYING HIM IN MIDFIELD.
Jack Rodwell - 4
Just give it up, mate. Rodwell is never going to come good here and he is never, ever going to break that record. Yeah, he might have been alright for spells but he missed one of the best chances in the game, it's just not working here. Sorry, Jack.
Sebastian Larsson - 5
Pretty anonymous throughout, pretty standard performance for the Swede nowadays.
Adnan Januzaj - 4
Bottling a 50-50 challenge on the edge of Stoke's penalty area when we were on the front foot pretty much summed up his performance.
Fabio Borini - 4
I will personally give a shiny piece of silver to anyone who can honestly tell me what Fabio Borini does. He simply couldn't be arsed today. Stropped around the pitch and provided absolutely nothing.
Jermain Defoe - 5
Aye he scored but who cares?
Man of the Match - Anyone who had to watch that dross.