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Sunderland’s New Year Resolutions

As we embark upon yet another mental year at Sunderland AFC, what sort of resolutions should the people involved at the club be making?

John O'Shea Signs Contract Extension At Sunderland AFC Photo by Ian Horrocks/Sunderland AFC via Getty Images

Peter Brand - Build Body Armour!

To say our luck with injuries this season has been a joke would be an understatement.

Cattermole, Kirchhoff, Watmore, McNair, Pickford, Gooch - the list of long-term injuries really does appear to be never-ending.

If Head Physio Peter Brand could stop faffing around with the magic sponge and channel his energy into building a full suit of body armour we might be onto something. It shouldn’t be too hard, and if we can get an extra special one for Jermain Defoe, I think it’s worth throwing what little transfer kitty we have at the idea. The suits would probably crack under the pressure, though.

Lamine Kone - Delete Twitter!

With the big Ivorian off the African Cup of Nations in a few days (barring any issues with the injury he suffered yesterday at Burnley), he will have plenty of travel time to think about resolutions.

It’s safe to say that some of us have fallen out of love with Lamine after the way he treated the club over the summer, so when he logs onto Twitter it feels insulting when he licks our arses.

The things that he tweets are about as believable and as heart-felt as a North Korean TV News channel - I’m not sure it’s even him posting. Whoever it is, please stop.

Ellis Short - Find A Buyer - And Quick!

It’s end of your time here Ellis - you know it and so do we. If I was you, I would go and get the richest and stupidest man you can find (let’s face it, he’d have to be an idiot to buy Sunderland) to sell the club to and go start writing your memoirs, forget about the club you own and leave with your tail between your legs.

Failing that, if you can’t find anyone daft enough to buy us, give Moyesy some money to buy something... anything... please.

David Moyes - Smile More!

Over this season I have changed my opinion of David Moyes on countless occasions. Sometimes I hate him, sometimes I feel sorry for him and other times I just think ‘why did he bring Pienaar on for?’.

I think I know why. He doesn’t smile much, does he? It’s easy to get wrapped up by the depression of being involved in Sunderland, but bloody hell... it wouldn’t hurt David, would it?

Jack Rodwell - Find A New Hobby!

I still can’t quite believe how poor this lad has been.

Thirty three first team games started, zero wins. It says it all, doesn’t it?

If I was him, I’d pack it in and go learn how to play table tennis, or something. Something that doesn’t require mental strength or a sport that takes fragile minds and mends them. The poor lad is spent and I’m not even sure he could get a game for Blyth Spartans. I simply can’t bare to watch in horror as he plods around our midfield anymore. A new hobby should fix that.

Victor Anichebe - Keep Being Absolutely Mint!

I love Victor Anichebe and I wanted to end this on a high note.

Since Big Vic’s infamous twitter blunder, his performances in every game have been nothing short of excellent.

At the time, I couldn’t believe that we signed him - in fact, I seriously questioned what the hell Moyes was doing, but he’s been a complete success. Watching him absolutely scare the crap out of Danny Simpson was one of my highlights of the last year, and Simpson isn’t the only one to have surrendered to the might of the animal that is Victor Anichebe.

You've had many a doubter Vic, we all know that, but you’ve been mint. Keep it up.