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Soap opera, self-adulation, sexual frisson and dirty macs. Ramble on.

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You may be forgiven for thinking it was a game where you chose sides based on who your mates were rather than the Manchester derby, for in the week preceding it there was no mention of football, just the soap opera tales of who fell out with who, who did what and when etc. We know that José doesn't like Pep, and it goes way back. We know that Zlatan really doesn't like Pep and it goes way back. ‘He's not a man' says Zlatan.

But Zlatan likes José. ‘He's a winner' says Zlatan. ‘I'm a winner' says Zlatan. Pity about the result on Saturday then bonny lad.

Pep seemed to say relatively little which endeared him to me more. In fact the only thing Pep did wrong was bring in a goalkeeper who on the strength of Saturdays performance has a belief in his own ability which puts him firmly in a class all by himself. In other words he's the only one who thinks he's any good.

José was miserable. José seems to be miserable all the time - what's the matter with him? Did he know Manchester wasn't in West London?

José doesn't like Pep one suspects because Pep is very good at what he does and in the soap opera world of the Premier League, there is only room for one ‘Special One'. But is José still the ‘Special One'? Well, he made Paul Pogba the most expensive player in history and then made him completely disappear in the big game - that's pretty special.

And why can't he get a decent mac for goodness sake? I'm not big on the sartorial choices for global superstar football managers but when he puts on the black mac he looks like a pervert. What is it about managers on the touchline and their choice of dress? Pocchetino's another one that favours the flashers mac, and he always fastens the second button down so the bottom splays out around his hips making him look like he's wearing a childs' wigwam. Wenger has traditionally donned a padded jacket designed for Mr Incredible, and then we have Tony Pulis.

I can almost stand Tony Pulis being interviewed after a game - if he's lost heavily, but why hasn't someone taken him to one side about what he wears for the match? He dresses like a cross between the coach of a suburban kids US baseball team and Jimmy Saville on a hot date. It creeps me out. Some managers want to be loved by the players, some want to be loved by the fans, Pulis needs nor wants either, Pulis just seems to need Pulis, and that creeps me out a bit too.

But Klopp's my favourite, nice teeth, smiles a lot, dresses like he's on holiday and jumps around like a lunatic. Needs to get the glasses thing sorted though, you can't jump around like a lunatic without the glasses falling off - bit surprised he hasn't worked that one out for himself yet. He has however, managed to stop his players climbing all over him when they score. All a bit homoerotic at first, not sure how it all started and probably led to an awkward conversation in the dressing room, but it's under control. And he doesn't like the crowd singing his name - ‘wait till the end of the game' he says.

Everyone goes home at the end of the game mate - thought you would have worked that one out by now as well.

However, just to prove that the capacity of the football universe to accommodate self-admiration is limitless, Nicklas Bendtner is back. The Newcastle parking wardens' favourite son has been signed by Forest as he seems to have run out of people in Europe to piss off. He's been ostracised by the Danish National squad and sacked from his last team because he was a ‘menace to the club'.

The Arsenal psychologist was talking about Bendtner's time at the Emirates: "One of the tests is called ‘self-perceived competence' - i.e. how good the player himself thinks he is," he explained. "On a scale of up to nine, Bendtner got a 10. We had never seen that before'.

Which places him well inside the world of Spinal Tap if he wasn't there already. What Bendtner doesn't seem to grasp is that people will put up with all sorts of crap if the individual can back it up. Zlatan can be outrageous, but he's got talent in spades and works hard to maintain it. Shooting your mouth off without delivering where it matters just makes you a pain in the backside.

And, West Ham don't like their new ground, well, they could try taking it back to the shop? Mind you, I never understood their old ground - was it Upton Park or The Boleyn Ground? Having two names does imply a certain lack of commitment when it comes to looking after the place. Anyway, their new ground which they haven't bought and don't seem to be paying for and which seemed to work quite well for the Olympics is all wrong. So what are they doing - well they're beating each other up so that should sort it out.

Finally, Saido Berahino is still miserable and still at West Brom. ‘Someone's being blowing in his ear' said Tony Pulis. There's no answer to that.

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