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Roker Ramble: A Transfer of Delight

‘Premier League football is a multi-million pound industry with the aroma of a blocked toilet and the morals of a knocking shop.' - Sir Michael Parkinson.

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If Dior or Chanel were launching a new fragrance that promised passion and excitement at the start of the evening but quickly changed to depression and misery at the end, they could do worse than naming it ‘L'essence de la fenêtre', because that, in a nutshell, is what the transfer window is like for most of us, most of the time.

It starts off feeling like Merry Christmas and ends up looking like Mary Berry. And it doesn't have to be like this, the window is a market place of buyers and sellers that is simple, straightforward and self-regulating. Consider the following example :-

At the start of the transfer window Player 1 is set to move to Club A. Player 2 to Club B, Player 3 to Club C and Player D to Club 4.

However Player 1's wife doesn't like the shopping at Club A and is telling him to move to Club C. Player 2 knows that his club and Club B have agreed a price for him but he has no intention of agreeing personal terms and will cite ‘not unsettling his family' as the reason. The real reason is that he's sleeping with the physiotherapist and isn't going anywhere.

The agent of Player 3 knows that Club C can't afford him, but has pushed the deal so that Club C has to sell Player 5 to Club E to raise the money. Player 5 is also on the books of the agent and with the money from both deals he'll be able to buy the new Lamborghini Samosa V8 he's promised himself.

The manager of Club E has money to spend from a previous sale and is interested in Player 5, however, the Chairman has earmarked the money to pay off gambling debts with the Serbian underworld and is planning to bring in two or three youngsters from his Uzbekistan feeder club to bolster the squad.

Club D have just changed their manager. Player 4 is toast. Club D's new manager wants to buy Player 6 because he played for him at his old club and he doesn't have any friends at Club D. Player 4 fears he may end up in China.

With an hour to go on the final day of the window, Player 1 rocks up at Club C by private jet to find Player 4 hanging around outside trying to get noticed. Club B, turned down for Player 2 puts in a significantly higher bid for Player 1 and the whole deal stalls when Player 1 can't get in touch with his wife who's off spending the evening with the Chairman of Club E.

Player 3 has convinced his agent to tout him to Club A after Club C fail to find the readies. Club A, playing it canny and delaying till the last minute to force the price down, call Player 3 in for a medical at the eleventh hour. Player 3 fails the medical after his sulking agent refuses to pay the medical staff to ignore the players congenital heart defect because he can no longer afford to buy his new car.

See? Simple, straight-forward, self-regulating. What could go wrong?

Well you could ask Crystal Palace who've a spate of big money signings and still haven't won a game in 2016.......nope, can't smile wide enough. And Hull, who've just signed Ryan Mason, their third player of the window, not bad given they don't have a permanent owner or manager. Personally I think the players are just turning up there and telling anyone around that they've been signed. 'Yep, 40k per week and first name on the teamsheet' Who? No, he didn't give a name'.

Joe Hart has signed for Torino - the Italian for dandruff is 'forfora', he's going to need to know that. Also 'terremoto' (earthquake). And Arsenal have revealed that they are willing to let Jack Wilshere go out on loan after he was found wearing a burkini at the North London clubs' training ground.

After an appeal by Manchester United, Marcus Rashford's last minute winner against Hull on Saturday has been awarded to Zlatan. The Club maintained that Rashford was occupying the centre-forwards position when he scored, thereby denying Zlatan the opportunity to do so. As a consquence, Zlatan has continued his record of scoring in every match since signing for Manchester United and Rashford has been fined a weeks wages for indiscipline and for being ‘in the wrong place at the wrong time'.