Football is depressing. We have a handful of fit senior players at the club. We haven’t won a game in August since David Lloyd George was Prime Minister. However, you know one thing that isn’t depressing? The Simpsons.
Please excuse me while I check into Springfield - and try to ignore a world in which Lynden Gooch and Steven Pienaar are our first choice central midfielders.
You should know the drill by now. You’ve rolled your eyes at the Game of Thrones comparisons and audibly groaned at the Pokémon induced character assassinations. Next up is Homer Simpson and the gang. Get ready to see more yellow than Lee Cattermole’s discipline record file.
John O’Shea – Homer
Oh go on then. We might as well start with the big man. Like Homer, John O’Shea is the disappointing father figure of the group. With their best years behind them, both John and Homer bumble along from one adventure to the next, normally making a hash of things. For Homer, these adventures range from being an astronaut to becoming Springfield’s beer baron. For our Irish captain, the same adventure is seemingly played on loop: the Great Escape from March to May. It looks like we’re going to need to repeat the adventure again this season.
Duncan Watmore – Lisa Simpson
I don’t know why but when I look at Duncan Watmore I see the class swot. The sort of kid that would remind the teacher that they had forgotten to set homework. You know the type - the kid who gets to football training early to put out all the cones. With that in mind, he can only be the Lisa Simpson of the group. Sorry, Duncan.
Jack Rodwell – Hans Moleman
Hans Moleman claims to be 31 years old, despite having the body and mind of an 81 year old. He says that "bad decisions ruined his life". This reminds me of Jack Rodwell, who has seen his career spiral after he made the shock decision to move to Man City’s bench. Hans Moleman shows his blindness every time he unwittingly walks into a potential fatal situation (he frequently catches on fire). Jack Rodwell shows his blindness every time he misplaces a simple five yard pass.
Lamine Kone – Dr. Nick Riviera
Because he is a fraud too.
David Moyes – Moe Szyslak
Both Moe and Moyes have the hardened faces of men who have lived through horrific and scarring life events. They each have more lines on their faces than a topographic map. With his sour demeanour, Moe has made his Tavern a fairly bleak and depressing place to drink. After listening to one of Moyes' press conferences, you could easily confuse the Stadium of Light for Moe’s Tavern.
Fabio Borini – Troy McClure
A face for Hollywood, a winning smile, and eyes you could get lost in. Fabio Borini is Troy McClure. You may remember him from such films as The Goal at Wembley, That Screamer vs the Mags, and The Equaliser Against Palace.
Ellis Short – Mr Burns
One of these people is a super-rich American business-tycoon, who is often criticised for his stinginess and is reviled by the majority of his town’s inhabitants. The other person is Mr Burns.
Seb Larsson – Nelson
Both of them spend most of their time pointing at things.
Donald Love – Ralph Wiggum
Ralph is a simple-minded but good-natured boy. He is unfortunately out of his depth in the class-room though, and he struggles to keep up with his peers. Hopefully one day he will blossom into the right-back that Sunderland have needed for about as long as The Simpsons has been on TV.