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If Sunderland's Players Were Christmas Films, What Would They Be?

The chances are you already know your favourite festive film - but have you ever wondered how similar Sunderland players are to certain Christmas films? Of course you haven't, because you are not as sad as I am.

Jordan Pickford in The Santa Clause
Image created by Dan Parker

Snow is falling outside and you are hanging up your stocking above a roaring log fire. The turkey is burning in the oven as you eat your body weight in novelty chocolate. And now your weird, slightly sinister Auntie Joyce is coming towards you brandishing mistletoe.

This can mean only one thing. Christmas is here!

You know the drill. We've already compared the Sunderland squad to Game of Thrones characters, Pokémon, and The Simpsons characters.

Now is the turn of John McClane, Kevin McCallister, and the Grinch. If you think I’ve missed an obvious comparison, please do let us know on Facebook, Twitter, or in the comments below.


Jordan Pickford - The Santa Clause

Scott Calvin, the protagonist of The Santa Clause, makes a huge mistake at the start of the film... he nearly kills Father Christmas.

Now I’m not saying that Pickford’s mistake away to Southampton is on a par with that - that would be harsh - but it did cost us two valuable points. The similarities between the two begin with the reactions to their mistakes. Scott takes on the role of Father Christmas so that Christmas can be saved, while Jordan Pickford grew into his role as our first-choice ‘keeper until he became undroppable.

We’ve seen Pickford pull off some unimaginable saves - who’s to say that saving Christmas is beyond him?

Donald Love - The Muppet's Christmas Carol

Quite frankly, this might just be the only Christmas film Donald Love is old enough to watch. Furthermore, like Tiny Tim, Donald Love has seemingly been brought back from the dead by the actions of a dour-faced man (Moyes in this case, not Ebeneezer Scrooge).

Having been thrown in at the deep-end in August and having struggled with form for much of the season, it’s heart-warming to see Donald Love finding his feet in the first-team.

Lee Cattermole - The Grinch

He hates his neighbours down the road to such an extent that he took a baseball bat and smashed cars just streets away from their favourite landmark. No, I’m not talking about the Grinch, I’m talking about Lee Barry Cattermole.

Cattermole as The Grinch
Created by Dan Parker for Roker Report

A meddling misanthrope for the majority of the film, the Grinch discovers he has heart and courage only towards the end. And therein lies the subtle difference between them; Cattermole’s heart and courage are always on display for everyone to see.

Jack Rodwell - Deck the Halls

Because both are just awful and a massive waste of money.

John O'Shea - Home Alone

Ignoring the obvious age difference between our club captain and Kevin McCallister, the similarities between the two are soon to be apparent. As the African Cup of Nations approaches, and likely heralds the departure of our two starting centre-backs, John O’Shea has every right to feel abandoned.

With Kirchoff, McNair, and over a hundred other defensive players injured, O’Shea might just feel like he’s been left ‘home alone’. Like the film, there is a large group of people that don’t think he can cope with the pressures of this situation.

Let’s hope that John O’Shea can channel his inner Macaulay Culkin (aside from all the heroin) and rise to the challenge.

Victor Anichebe - Die Hard

Who among us wouldn’t want Big Vic as an ally in a life-or-death situation?

The man is an absolute beast and, at times this season, has looked like an unplayable wrecking-ball. Just imagine him in Nakatomi Plaza, taking down Hans Gruber’s bullets on his chest and laying them off to Defoe.

Anichebe as McClane
Created by Dan Parker for Roker Report

Actually, comparing Victor Anichebe with John McClane is unfair... on Big Vic. I’m grateful it was John McClane crawling through the vents - and not the big man himself - as it would have been a much shorter film had Victor Anichebe been set loose on those German terrorists.

Jermain Defoe - It's a Wonderful Life

When Martin Bain has said money is tight, things are looking as bleak as ever, and Christmas is fast approaching, it is important to look to your guardian angel and be grateful for what you have. I love you, Jermain.

Merry Christmas everyone!