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Man On The Street: Doubtfire Gets Them Straight Into Their Usual Form

He seems keen on bombarding us regularly, so we thought it best to give him a picture...
He seems keen on bombarding us regularly, so we thought it best to give him a picture...

We feared this might happen. Just like that looming cloud inevitably approaches the moment you step outside following a long day of work, after weeks of peaceful correspondence we opened our e-mail box here at Roker Report headquarters to find a rather unsavoury piece.

Yes, that 'Man on the Street' has been in touch once again. We've decided to carry on last time's precedent of putting his e-mail titles in the article title, mainly in case he whinges about us missing it out. Anyway, not content with his previous denunciation of all and sundry, this week he's been having a right old twist about our pre-season adventures, and he's even had a pop at our resident Captain...

Right, first things first.

Who the f**k is Josh Adamson?

I was genuinely surprised these useless berks at Roker Report actually bothered to publish the e-mail I sent them, but once I'd found it I had a bit of a read of what people thought.

So Josh, don't think I didn't see your comment on my last piece bonny lad; call me a 'geordy p***k' once more and I'll drop you quicker than a slapper's knickers on a Saturday night.

As it is, I'm no bleeding Geordie (aye, spell it right next time son). Far from it. It's just you lot are so bloody blinkered, what with your rose-tinted spectacles and all that, that you can't see what's right in front of your f*****g eyes.

I heard you were all twisting on about my thoughts on our new “super” signings. I said they were s***e and, lo and behold, I've been proven right.

For proof, look no further than pre-b*****d-season. I thought it was meant to make us all optimistic for the new season? Not when it's sodding Sunderland it doesn't.

We won 2-1 at York, aye, but haway man, who wouldn't beat them? And Tight-A**e gave away a penalty, surprise surprise.

Then we went off to see the Erics. Now I don't hold grudges, but something about them Germans doesn't sit right with me, not after two World Wars. So it's safe to say, I was hoping we'd do a number on them.

But no, Doubtfire couldn't even inspire some patriotism in them (well, in the ones that are English anyway, the spineless t***s), and Sunderland waved the white flag all over the Rhineland.

First we drew ones each with Armenia. Now I'll be honest and say I didn't know that was in Germany, but I could have told you for nowt that we'd not beat them. Word has it that we didn't look fully match fit, no f*****g surprise there is there? Look at Fulham man, they started their pre-season ages ago, yet Doubtfire and the Irishman spent far too long p*****g far too much money up the wall on barely average players.

Then we got beat off Hamburg. 3-1? Smoooooooooth Doubtfire.

I've nee idea how to spell the name of the next time we played, nearly gave meself an aneurysm trying to say it never mind write it, but I do know how to spell 's****y boring pointless nil-nil draw'. Suppose we didn't concede, which was a genuine shock.

Next we played some Jocks. Ever so bloody glamourous aren't we? I thought that left-winged idiot Miliband was meant to add some sort of appeal to our club? When he hopped on board (for far too much money, might I add) I expected trips to the Bahamas, maybe the Seychelles, not sodding Scotland.

We beat Kilmarnock like, which I actually saw as a good sign. Then I remembered they play in the equivalent of the Russell Foster under-12s league, and quickly realised the result meant bugger all in the grand scheme of things.

One that definitely did matter was the shocking defeat against Burnley on Saturday. Proof, if any more were needed, that we've gone massively backwards under Doubtfire. Four and a half years ago we beat Burnley 3-2, yet now we're rolling over 0-1 to them thanks to another crap tackle from Tight-A**e. Time for Doubtfire and the Irishman who hired him to go, methinks.

Now I don't even know if 'Simon Walsh', if that is his real name, and his Roker Report cronies will even bother to publish my thoughts this time around, but I've written this before the game at Hartlepool. While I'm nee Mystic Meg, I'm willing to bet we'll get thumped there too; we're in deep s**t this year if Doubtfire stays at the helm.

I can't be bothered to talk much more as it's a pretty depressing time to follow Sunderland at the minute. We've signed a bunch of poor players, although why that stupid 'Captain' sod Michael Graham reckons we need another left-sided player is beyond me.

Bardo proved last year that he's naturally left-footed and one of the best full-backs this club has seen in a long time; we might not have a proper left-winger but with him pushing forward to the byline constantly we'll be fine. The only thing Mr Graham is worthy of captaining is the Titanic.

Apart from him though, like I said, it's pretty doom and gloom. That young 'un from Ipswich had a shocker on Saturday. Tim from the Apprentice is knackered and I bet it's not long before his ManYoo mate joins him on the sickbeds. Gardner looks about as much use as Tommy Miller was.

On the bright side (pah!), apparently that Korean fella looks good. Fair play to him, but at the end of the day, his name sounds like a bloke's most useful instrument and he eats dogs for tea.

It's just bloody embarrassing man.

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