Match Report: Norwich City 2-0 Sunderland - Manhunt In Norfolk As Feral Poyet Murders Seventeen

Scott Heavey

'It was a massacre, a total massacre', says sole witness Jozy Altidore, allowed to live out of sheer pity.

The Norfolk Constabulary are searching the Norfolk Broads tonight, believing it to be the whereabouts of Sunderland manager Gus Poyet, on the run after murdering seventeen of his players following their abject performance at Carrow Road earlier today.

Goals from Robert Snodgrass, and an absolute screamer from Alexander Tettey gave Norwich a deserved win, but in truth it was the Black Cats that beat themselves today, laughable in defence, and terrible in possession, unable to string more than a couple of passes together.

According to Superintendent Duncan Taylor, 'Poyet, aged 46, and with short black hair and a face that resembles an owl, was growing visibly more and more frustrated throughout the match. We believe it was Marcos Alonso's red card for a second yellow in stoppage time where he finally broke; the possibility of having to play Andrea Dossena at left back against Liverpool being too much to bear'.

The opening spells of the match suggested it was only ever going to go one way. Norwich dominated this period, having 81% possession after the fifteen minute mark. Left back Martin Olsson's marauding runs and teasing crosses caused Sunderland a ton of problems, while Wes Hoolahan ran things in the middle of the park. The two linked up well early on, with Olsson's delivery just about cleared for a corner by Fabio Borini at far post.

Indeed it was Olsson who played a major part in Norwich's first goal, with a great delivery into the six yard box. However, the Canaries also have Wes Brown to thank; the England international clearing Olsson's cross straight into the path of Johan Elmander, who played it back to Snodgrass for an easy finish.

Sunderland's inability to clear the ball proved to be a problem all day. Every Norwich delivery that was cleared went straight to a yellow shirt for another attack. Shortly after the goal, a cross saw the ball pinball around the away sides box, before eventually fallen to Johnny Howson, whose shot was well saved by Vito Mannone, not for the first time one of the few Sunderland players to come out of the game with any credit.

A poor header from Bridcutt fell straight to Hoolahan whose short went over, just minutes after the Irishman's cross was almost turned in by Ricky Van Wolfswinkle.

It was no surprise when the second goal came, though the way it came certainly was. Once again Sunderland struggled to clear their lines, until Wes Brown's header out fell to Alexander Tettey, around thirty yards out. He hit the ball first time on the volley, and the powerful effort went straight in the top right hand corner of the goal. It was a spectacular strike, a goal of the season contender, which effectively ended the game.

*

'It was this point' continued Superintendent Taylor, 'that Poyet began to show signs that all wasn't well. Charlie Oatway, a long time member of Poyet's backroom staff, saw him turn around and stare at Emanuele Giaccherini for approximately 40 seconds. Giaccherini was said to look 'extremely terrified' before Poyet turned away and told Sebastian Larsson  he was coming on.'

*

There are fewer signs of a terrible performance than a first half double substitution, and Poyet replaced Ki and Jack Colback with Larsson and Lee Cattermole. The latter made an instant impact, helping to provide his team with their first real chance of the half. The Teesider's pass found the otherwise completely ineffective Jozy Altidore with a good pass, who then found Borini free in the box. The Italian's shot from a tight angle was well held by John Ruddy, to end a half Norwich had dominated.

Anyone expecting a second half resurgence from Sunderland after the break were to be let down, as they started the half very much as they played in the first. A cross found Van Wolfswinkle in the middle, and his header  was tipped onto the bar and over by Vito Mannone.

Up the other end Sunderland had their best, and only, chance of getting back into it. A short corner was played to Adam Johnson, whose terrific ball found Brown in the middle. His header was straight at Ruddy, but it still required a point blank save from England's official second choice keeper.

Norwich, content with their two goal advantage, didn't need to get out of second gear for the rest of the game, with the Black Cats never looking like creating a goal scoring opportunity.

*

'Poyet's behaviour was becoming increasingly erratic at this stage' Superintendent Taylor told the gathered press. 'He sliced his finger open with a knife, and began to draw a skull and crossbow in his own blood, onto his ingrained snood, around the ''GP''. Poyet's assistant manager and good friend Mauricio Taricco aired his concerns to Poyet, who refused to respond to Oatway for around fifteen minutes, until he told him to bring Ignacio Scocco on the 71st minute mark'.

*

The game followed a familiar rhythm for the rest of the game, with Sunderland giving away silly free-kicks and silly bookings. Norwich's best chance of a third came from one of these free-kicks, when Snodgrass's curling effort went just over the bar. The game finished 2-0, but not before Alonso received his second yellow for handling in the Norwich box. This defeat puts Sunderland in severe relegation trouble, after producing their worst performance of the season.

'Should anyone see Mr Poyet, please contact the police rather than attempting to engage him, as he should be considered very frustrated, and very dangerous. As for what will happen when we arrest Mr Poyet, we will probably let him off with a warning, as his crimes seem entirely justified'.

UPDATE: Mr Poyet was found and arrested by police on the Norfolk Broads at approximately 17.38 on Saturday evening. He was later released after calming down a bit, before telling the press that 'he is considering wholesale changes for the mid-week game against Liverpool.' Mr Poyet will face an FA disciplinary hearing on Monday afternoon.

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