Preview: Newcastle Next In Line For Comfortable Win

Matthew Lewis

It's the Wear-Tyne Derby this weekend. Captain, set excitement levels to 'Meh' right away!

Sunderland Team News

Who knows what's going to happen. Phil Bardsley came back last week, perhaps Gus has rung up Lee Clark to see if he can add some midfield steel for one game.

In all seriousness though this weeks team of gutless losers is likely to be similar to that which fought so pitifully at Swansea City last week, although there could be at least two changes.

Wes Brown is currently between injuries and could turn his hand to a spot of football this weekend as a break from the norm. Also Ki Seung-Yong will likely come into midfield at the expense of someone. I'd guess at whoever it was in midfield that wasn't Craig Gardner. It really doesn't matter though.

Steven Fletcher will probably have the job of running around like a headless chicken while John O'Shea pumps the ball 25-foot away from him and waves his arms around a bit.

Newcastle United Team News

Newcastle will be up for this after a very good draw against Liverpool. Not only was it an inspiring comeback with a goal by a local lad, but also the sending off of Mapou Yanga-Mbwia will be a big boost.

Mapou was given the run around last season quite embarrassingly by Danny Graham, so either goal-getter Paul Dummett or perma-tanned bellend Steve Taylor will be plunged into action.

The midfield will likely be some French-speaking blokes and the fourth Jonas brother. The sexually adventurous Loic Remy will lead the line.

Predicted Lineups

Sunderland vs Newcastle United - Football tactics and formations

Sunderland: Westwood, Celustka, Bardsley, O'Shea, Brown, Cattermole, Ki, Gardner, Johnson, Giaccherini, Fletcher

Newcastle United: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Taylor, Santon, Cabaye, Tiote, Ben Arfa, Jonas, Gouffran, Remy

Key Matchup: John O'Shea Vs Loic Remy

God help us. Perhaps Remy will stand on a rake beforehand and hurt himself. I heard he's a rakist or something. that's pretty much our only hope.

Recent Form: WLWLWD

Win: Aston Villa 1-2 Newcastle United (Ben Arfa 18, Benteke 67, Gouffran 73)

Loss: Newcastle United 2-3 Hull City Tigers (Remy 10 & 44, Brady 26, Elmohamady 48, Aluko 72)

Win: Newcastle United 2-0 Leeds United (Cisse 31, Gouffran 66)

Loss: Everton 3-2 Newcastle United (Lukaku 5 & 37, Barkley 25, Cabaye 51, Remy 89)

Win: Cardiff City 1-2 Newcastle United (Remy 30 & 38, Odemwingie 58)

Draw: Newcastle United 2-2 Liverpool (Cabaye 23, Gerrard 42, Dummett 56, Sturridge 72)

Last Time Around: Sunderland 1-1 Newcastle United, 21/10/12

Demba Ba earned Sunderland a draw after failing to take advantage of being a man up from the 25th minute onwards, with Cheik Tiote sent off. Yohan Cabaye opened the scoring for the visitors after just three minutes, and we even played Louis Saha for a bit and somehow got a draw.

The Ref: Lee Probert

I think he's the one that's a bit of a twat. I'd look this up but I can't be arsed. Much like the game itself, this preview is becoming a massive inconvenience.

What The Managers Said

Gus Poyet

I think we should try and win this one, for the fans, the fans, some good shit about the fans 'cos we must keep talking about the fans to keep the fans on side and distract from the massive fucking problems at this club.

Alan Pardew

I'm a smug cunt.

Roker Report Predicts

We'll get beat. Newcastle fans celebrate wildly by throwing a street party, laughing and smiling even joking as they dance under the moonlight, arm-in-arm with their once mortal enemies -- horses and phoneboxes.

Various Sunderland players will in turn explain that they felt they played a bit better than last week, and they're going to work really REALLY hard next week to try and not look like a bunch of fucking retards. Oh, and you're the best fans in the world, please continue to buy tickets, tat and other officially licensed trinkets.

*Elements of this are sarcastic as fuck, and what?

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