Quick Kicks? More Like Repeated Kicks In The Teeth

Tom Dulat

We really can't be bothered to do this any more...

Whenever Sunderland play, we usually fill this feature with various points of interest. We look at the manager's comments, his tactics, and try to pick out a few positives more often than not. We call the feature 'quick kicks'. I forget why.

This week, it feels wrong to do any of that. In fact, it would feel downright disrespectful to the reader. It should always be remembered that Roker Report is written by Sunderland fans for Sunderland fans. There is a need - a fundamental demand - for it to reflect the mood and view of the support.

And frankly, what 'points of interest' could one possibly derive from the disgraceful showing down at Swansea?

Let's be completely honest here: where Sunderland are concerned we are no longer even really talking about football. These players do not deserve the dignity of being associated with sport. How can they possibly call themselves professional sportsmen when they lack the basic courage to compete?

Because that is what we are now talking about - courage. Yeah, they like to pretend they have it. Actually, we get superlative after superlative rammed down our throats on a weekly basis about how wonderful they are on the training ground. Sure, we're all tough guys when kicking the ball around with our mates.

I was the same. In fact I was really tough. I was a pretendy Kevin Ball in a Newcastle school yard who took pleasure from running round kicking all the pretendy David Ginolas and Peter Beardsleys. Wasn't quite the same on the school team when the big lads from Scotswood came, of course. Then I was essentially a pretendy Lord Lucan.

That is all this group of players are too really. Just a bunch of soft little boys who are pretending they have the stones to play a man's game. Frauds. Fakes. Liars. Pathetic fantasists at best, shamelessly spineless charlatans at worst.

The first half showing was okay. They were disciplined and organised. I was quite impressed really, though it was the manager who had earned the bulk of it. They had clearly been well coached.

But coaching only takes you so far really, doesn't it. Burrhus Skinner was able to coach a rat to navigate a maze, but it'd still sh*t itself if it turned the last corner and saw a cat at its centre.

A bit like how Sunderland's various assorted rats collectively sh*t themselves the second Swansea applied the merest slither of pressure, really. The white flags couldn't come out quickly enough, and had they succumbed to what was presumably their natural instinct and lay prone on the floor, prostrating themselves at the feet of their hosts with their backsides in the air, they'd have still struggled to muster a more contemptible show of surrender than they one they managed to produce on their feet.

And the very worst thing about it? That it surprised no one. Well, it seemed to surprise poor Gus Poyet, but he can be forgiven there. He isn't the first person to be fooled by this group of con-men. I hope he wises up to it quicker than most.

I'm almost loath to stress that I am not talking about absolutely every player here. I'd hate for one of those that form the cancerous core of the club to accidentally stumble across this article whilst sat on the toilet taking a break from their precious Playstation and Nandos time and be able to fool themselves that I'm talking about someone else.

There are some who show some genuine pride and fight on the pitch - the ONLY place where it matters - for this club. The likes of Keiren Westwood, Steven Fletcher, Lee Cattermole, and Jozy Altidore to name most of them. Jack Colback too, by the way, who was dropped from the side to accommodate a return of the wormiest worm of them all.

But if you want to know who I'm talking about, look little further than the people who, surprise surprise, have been at the centre of the club's most pathetic incidents this season. I won't name them, simply because, like any other troll, I don't want to dignify them with specific attention. We all know who they are though. They know who they are too, if they are honest.

Anyway, enough of this. It is probably about time for the great Sunderland pretenders to get back to training with their mates and start their long week of delusion. They have another new manager to abuse the trust of, after all. Big week indeed. This is the week they are definitely going to work hard and improve. They are definitely going to stop being such a pathetic disgrace to our football club. They are definitely going to stop being natural born cowards. They are definitely going to 'put things right'. Definitely.

Ha. Fat chance. Quick Kicks? More like repeated slow kicks in the teeth.

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