Hello there reader. Do you remember this? Or are you new to us as the season comes around? Whichever it is, welcome along to Roker Rhymes.
Last season, I liked to sum up the weekend's action in a fun little poem. Well, I say fun, there's only so much joy you can gain from writing about yet another morale-crushing defeat. Also, it wasn't really on a weekly basis, thanks to my magnificently unreliable Internet provider. As David Boyle speculated on the podcast, I can confirm that my modem is indeed made from sticks.
However, I digress. While my attempts at poetry are more Des'ree than Shakespeare, I hope that I can provide a little light-hearted entertainment each and every Monday morning, it's something a bit different, and I hope you enjoy it. And with that in mind... Here we go.
The wait is over, it's finally here.
The return of the football season, fills me with cheer.
It seems like years, since last season's end,
Months without football, driving me round the bend.
A lot has happened, since way back when,
Our victory at West Ham, left us in the top ten.
A long old summer, filled with transfer talk,
And Ellis Short's wallet, walking the walk.
First out went Jordan, and it dragged on and on,
In the end to be honest, we were just glad he had gone.
We lost a good player, of that there's no doubt,
But we got £20 million, that's some financial clout.
So Bruce he went shopping, and the players did come in,
A shiny young keeper, from the bargain bin.
Young Irishman Keiren Westwood, best years ahead of him yet,
Will be battling Mignolet and Gordon, to guard our team's net.
Two men from United, glory is their game,
Winning titles and trophies, is how they found fame.
Brown and O'Shea, to solve our problems at the back,
And replace Noz and Kilgallon, as they're both rather cack.
Our midfield has had a makeover, we've now got players in reserve,
As our beloved club, chases the glory we deserve.
Gardner, Elmo, Larsson and Vaughan, all fighting for a spot,
And that's not even considering, the players we've already got.
Then Steve saw the need for a frontman, someone to get the goals,
As we never replaced B£nt or Campbell, our attack line contained holes.
And Brucey's got a sense of humour, gave our supporters a new song,
"He's got a name like a willy, our new forward, Mr Dong"***.
Then perhaps came the biggest surprise, and it happened in a flash,
There were rumours about Connor Wickham, and Ellis stumped up the cash.
The most promising kid around, a tall and powerful lad,
And he chose us over many others, and that my friends can't be bad.
So with our squad in good shape, it was time to trim the wage bill,
And Steed was the one to go, but we'll always love him still.
The tricky little winger, with a love of the nutmeg,
If you try to take the ball from him, he'll make you get down and beg.
So a look forward to the new season, before you all get bored,
A tricky trip to Anfield, where we have rarely soared.
But we'll go there with confidence, and a hope of doing well,
And see how the new-boys do, as only time will tell.
It's not all risks and unknowns though, there are things we already know,
Like Sessegnon is a hero, and his class is what he'll show.
The little man from Benin, has been on fire in pre-season games,
And a bag load of goals this season, must be on his list of aims.
And now I'm going to leave you, dear reader I must go,
I'll be back with more rhyming drivel, when the season's in full flow.
Rounding up every match, all the good stuff and the bads,
And that was an obvious set up, for this, HA'WAY THE LADS!
***Disclaimer - I know that isn't officially his name, but I chose to prioritise a willy joke over accuracy, as any good journalist would.