Man On The Street: This Is What's REALLY Happening At Sunderland AFC

Here at The Roker Report, we like to think we do our jobs relatively well. Trying to ensure interesting coverage on a daily basis is hard enough; doing it in a manner reflective of Sunderland fan opinion as a whole has often proved to be much more difficult a task. However, despite a few hiccups along the way, we felt we had finally reached a stage whereby this goal had been somewhat achieved.

Apparently not. For last week, here at Roker Report headquarters, we were taken aback (rumours Simon wet himself in fear have yet to be confirmed) when we were inundated with literally one e-mail telling us how poorly we were doing our jobs, and how this enterprising soul could do it better than the rest of us combined.

Now, at first, the initial reaction was to tell this bloke where to go, and then ignore his petty whining. Indeed, the Captain quickly began dialing his suspected culprit Phil Bardsley's number ready to unleash another verbal battering, before we convinced him that Phil was much too busy with pre-season training to type out disgruntled messages to an Internet blog.

But, as nice as it would have been to ignore this random 'man on the street', we simply couldn't. Perhaps we're too democratic, perhaps we're just soft as s***e, whatever it may be, we felt it wasn't worth sweeping under the rug. Our consciences wouldn't allow it.

And so we give to you what is likely to be the first of many installments. The man claimed to represent the wider interests of Sunderland fans as a whole, and thus shall post under the name and guise of the 'Man On The Street'...

He's still here? You're f**king joking, right?

 

Do the Irishman and the debt-collecting Texan have any idea how to run a football club? I've just returned off my holiday to find that Mrs bloody Doubtfire's a**e is still taking up far too much room in the manager's chair at the Stadium of Light. And before you ask: Magaluf. I may be in my forties but I've been going there with the lads for the best part of three decades now, and I'll be damned if you can find a better place for me to spend the money I've grafted for.

 

Anyway, enough about me. Doubtfire's still here and I'm not happy. B******s to all this "top ten", "third-best league finish in fifty-five years" rubbish. He's useless, and that's that. We were well on course for Europe, or better, and he blew it. And don't even bother trotting out that excuse about injuries. So yeah, FourFourTwo showed our players lost a combined 2001 days to injury last season, the most in the league by far. So what? Injuries schminjuries. Man the f**k up and get on with it. Doubtfire out.

 

Speaking of things going out, I hear Jordan Henderson's nicked off to live amongst the scallies. Absolute joke. I know I've slagged him off for the past two seasons, but that's just to toughen him up for when he does come good. Which he will now, because he's bloody left us.

 

And all you idiots saying "but we got £20m for him!" are just that: idiots. Whats twenty million nowadays anyway? If I got six or seven numbers the other night I would have won about seven times that; it's nowt. I don't know how much the academy cost, (I don't really need to bother backing up my arguments with solid evidence when they so obviously make sense, do I?!) but I'm willing to bet, all told, it was more than twenty measly million. The tax we've had to pay over the last ten years on the land we own at the AOL will be double that, easy. Especially with these Tory b******s in charge. And don't get me started on them.

 

Funny how Doubtfire can get shot of young stars like Henderson, and goalscorers like Bent, yet we've still got George sodding McCartney on our books. Guess we can half-blame the Irishman for that one too, like. I know he didn't sign him, but he gave the OK for that Keane fella to do it, and in my book that's equally bad. They reckon the reason George has gone so downhill is 'coz he can't feel any of the nerves in his foot properly. Now, I've never heard of that, and I'm guessing you haven't either, so I'm gonna be logical and surmise that he's making it up. It's 'coz he doesn't want to play for Doubtfire, and who can blame him?

 

Apparently though, and I can't believe I'm saying this, some do want to play for him. When I heard this it's safe to say I got fairly excited. And then I saw the list of our new signings. Jesus. If this is shopping at Harrod's, I hope someone kept a bloody receipt.

 

Firstly, the keeper, Westwood. Who the hell's he? I looked on Wikipedia and it said he played for Coventry. Great. A Championship keeper will be our number one next year. Well done Doubtfire.

 

Are they all bloody freebies too? We've got that Larsson kid, who wasn't good enough for Arsenal, and some other Wenger reject in the form of Roarie Deacon. He's apparently only 19, but he looks older than me. And I'm in my forties. Looks like the Irishman and the Texan, or whoever it is that scouts our "big-name signings" have c**ked that one right up.

 

Speaking of c**ks, we've signed a bloke called Dong? 'nuff said.

 

David Vaughan: another freebie. And he looks like he's been hit with a shovel. Twice.

 

But two from the Champions you say? Fantastic! Oh it's Wes Brown and John O'Shea. So that's one defender who breaks a bone every time he kicks a ball, and another who looks like that t**t Jim off The Apprentice. Come to think of it, they're both Irish, and I've never seen them in the same room together...

 

He may insist on calling it soccer still, but I guess after getting money for Bent and Henderson, the Texan realised he couldn't just limit us to cut-price rubbish. So we've gone and shelled out about six million quid on Craig Gardner. That's the same Craig Gardner who got relegated with Birmingham City last season. Sounds about right.

 

Meanwhile, we've chucked away a s**tload on some 18 year-old called Wickham. Now call me daft, but I reckon we'd be no worse off if we just trotted down to East Anglia, left £8m on the Ipswich chairman's desk for nowt, and quietly drove back home. People keep telling me he's got potential. Bulls**t. There's no such thing. You've either got it or you haven't. And he hasn't. Look at where Rooney was at his age: bloody miles ahead of him. Doubtfire out.

 

Anything I've missed? Has the Irishman said he despises us again yet?

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