Behind Closed Doors: The Ongoing Adventures Of Samson & Delilah

If, like the rest of us here at Roker Report, you were concerned at the lack of updates from Delilah’s diaries you probably had good reason and may have been fearing the worst. The last we heard from our lovable mascots Sunderland had just fought back from that disastrous start against West Brom and Steve had resorted to blaming the pair for the poor run of form. Samson was suicidal and had turned to the bottle for solace.

Results may have picked up a little since that dark day but has the mood in the Mascot's household?

Read on to find out!

 

Saturday October 15th

The coach journey to the Emirates wasn't a pleasant one. Mr. Bruce was still blaming Samson and myself for the poor run of results. Sam even spent the weekend following the West Brom game prowling Barnes Park with the intention of nabbing a present for the gaffer as a peace offering. Humans love dead birds and stuff. Unfortunately his trip was unsuccessful, hunting isn't as easy as it used to be for Samson. He blames it on the oversized football boots the club make him wear when in reality it's impossible to hunt when you're off your face on Kestrel Super Lager. Needless to say there was to be no surprise awaiting Mr. Bruce outside his office at the Academy on Monday morning, just Samson, asleep in a pool of his own vomit, or urine, it
was hard to tell in places.

So with Samson in even deeper trouble we were sent to travel with the kit in the luggage bays. “Surely this is breaking every health and safety rule in the book Steve?” I queried. Bruce merely pointed at the cases before taking his seat at the front of the bus. Even Elmohammady seems hacked off with us. Turns out he was made to mop up Samson’s mess on Monday. He mumbled something under his breath as he passed us
before hysterically laughing at the top of his voice, the rest of the squad looked as confused as we did and just ignored the lad, probably for the best.

The trip did nothing for Samson’s hangover. He looked worse than Vaughanie on a good day. The game itself however did seem to cheer the big fella up a little. Sure it was a defeat but Sam seemed upbeat and spent the return journey hugging and whispering sweet nothings into Seb’s right boot he had nicked from the dressing room whilst the midfielder was making the most of the plush surroundings. I promised Sebastien we'd replace it, he looked a little disturbed to be honest. I'd do anything for that man... anything, the sexy Swedish b******.

Sunday October 23rd

This morning I was awoken by the sound of Samson singing. This isn’t out of the ordinary but for once it wasn't drunkenly slurring along to his extensive collection of Thom Yorke’s solo work but rather his repertoire of Sunderland songs in full voice. He was even cooking his speciality, Bacon Surprise. The surprise being the sheer amount of bacon Samson is able to cram between two slices of white. He's a red sauce man as well, none of that brown muck, or so he says. It was great to see him back to his usual self, yesterday's result at Bolton really helped reaffirm his love for the job. He even took inspiration from that nutter Balotelli after hearing how he celebrated their win later that afternoon and made plans to drive around the local schools on Monday “high-fiving” the kids whilst hanging out of the Roker Rover.

Monday October 24th

Samson spent the afternoon in custody having been let off with a caution. I warned him that the human’s don’t take kindly to people hanging around schools. He still seemed in high spirits however, something about a surprise he had in store for Darren.

Friday October 28th

Sam’s been in the Boot Room all week, only venturing out for more paint and marker pens, muttering something about giving Darren the welcome he deserves. See, this is the side of Samson that first attracted me to him, his loving, kind spirited and forgiving nature. He loved Benty, absolutely worshipped the ground he walked on. In fact he would often spend the afternoon with Darren after training, play a little Call of Duty, maybe a quick trip to Nandos before a nap in front of Deal or no Deal. Bent’s transfer hit Samson hard, really hard. I didn’t see him for a week. It turned out Samson, Meyler and Campbell had camped outside Bent’s old gaff, holding a candlelit vigil hoping he would see sense. Anyway, it was great to see that Samson was ready to put all of that in the past and move on.

Saturday October 29th

So much for forgiveness! Did you see the banners? Samson was suitably chuffed with himself. So much so he spent the rest of the night forcing poor Westwood to pose for photos in front of the North Stand as they re-enacted Bent’s miss and sent them to him on Twitter. Kept him occupied I guess, although Keiren wasn’t too happy, Nandos had closed by the time the groundsman kicked them out and apparently Dixy Chicken by the bus station isn’t just the same. Primadonna.

Saturday November 5th

We didn’t make the trip to Old Trafford. Mr. Bruce said something about not wanting us to show him up on Sir Alex’s big day. Just as well really, as Sam and Fred the Red don’t see eye to eye. The feud dates back to school apparently. Fred used to support Oldham you see before the trophies started rolling in at Old Trafford and he traded his allegiance. They haven’t spoke since Cantona lobbed Lionel back in ‘96. Samson took the news about missing the away day astonishingly well. He mentioned something about Niall and “when the cats away…” before heading off to watch the game in town.

He wasn’t gone long however. Seeing young Connor stretchered off like that really distressed him. There was a fear in his eyes I hadn’t seen for weeks. As he trundled off to the Boot Room with his plastic bags filled with Kestrel, I knew it was going to be a long night; he wouldn’t even come out to watch Match of the Day. He bloody loves that programme as well, Linekar’s beautiful face, Hansen’s smug mug and making jokes at Shearer’s expense, its right up Sam’s street. Instead he was sat, arm around his Jon Stead cut out having a discussion with the cardboard striker, fearing a return to 4-5-1 following Wickham’s injury. It was a sad sight. The upcoming games resemble Newcastle’s fixture list, so for Samson’s sake I hope we make the most of it.

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